Confidence in decision- the main thing that is necessary for parting with the least losses.

Breakups rarely go smoothly. It would seem that the real problem if they left you is the aggravation of all conceivable complexes, and the sea of ​​​​tears of loneliness, and the feeling of abandonment. But the truth is that it is not easy for the “thrower” side either, and they can experience no less painful feelings, backed up by complex doubts and tossing. Moreover, it is these feelings and doubts that can keep a couple in a painful, useless and often long-dead relationship for months and years. Just think about it - months and years of life in torment! What is the most beautiful and least painful way for everyone to leave a once significant relationship?

"CUT WITHOUT WAIT FOR PERITONITIS!"

The breakup formula is simple: if you finally decide to leave, you must calmly inform your partner about your decision. At first glance, this advice is from the category of "Captain Obvious". But in fact, every word in it is mega-important, and problems arise if and only if at least one part of this thesis is underestimated. Let's go through them.

1. "Finally decided" - this is fundamental. If you still doubt, hesitate, weigh the arguments, are ready to change your mind at any moment - you should not start such a conversation. First, accurately determine your desires, and only then raise the issue.

I'm not talking now about situations where the only purpose of the conversation is manipulation. In order to achieve what you want from your partner with the threat of leaving, to find out the relationship, to escalate the situation, to draw attention to yourself, but at the same time not to part. This is different! We are talking only about those circumstances when the relationship is not satisfactory, and you understand that you just want to leave. And if you have already decided, then neither pangs of conscience, nor promises to love to the grave, nor a sense of duty, nor the opinion of your mother and friends should outweigh your decision to live the way you think is right for yourself, your desire to be happy and end painful relationships. Listen carefully to everyone, thank you - and do what you think is right for yourself. In the vast majority of cases, this is the right decision for you and your entire system of relationships on this stage life.

Remember that no matter what your life together, there will always be arguments in favor of not changing anything. I have seen client husbands dunk the child's head in the toilet as punishment, cheat on a weekly basis, beat the woman herself, or use hard drugs - and even in these situations, women managed to doubt the need for a breakup and experienced the pangs of choice.

I deliberately dwell on the first key words of the thesis for so long. Confidence in the decision made is the main thing in order for the parting to happen with the least losses.

Long painful conversations, tears, hesitation, returns and useless going back and forth - all this is the result of your internal vibrations.

DECIDED - EVERYTHING!

2. "Calmly report" - that's right. Do not ask, do not apologize, do not make excuses, do not beg, do not be offended, do not blame, do not scandalize, do not throw a tantrum for persuasiveness. Do not mumble guilty. Do not blame for all mortal sins.

Sometimes it is worth reporting in writing (if the partner is a threat to you, he is unstable or has avoided the meeting many times).

Better - in conversation. Yes, it is always very difficult. And, like any difficult conversation, you need to prepare for this.

First of all, emotionally. Second, content.

Here are some markers emotional readiness. Calm confidence deep inside, even if there is a superficial jitters. Associated feelings. Face it: Yes, you can feel regret. Of course, it is a pity plans, dreams, expectations. And breaking attachments hurts. Sadness. Accept this: if the relationship is valuable and it was good in them, it is sad to leave. But even such relationships sometimes end. Feeling relieved and right about what you are about to do.

Now oh content readiness.

Knowledge of manipulation hooks. You should have a rough idea of ​​what your partner can put pressure on and what weaknesses you have. Consider your reaction. Protect yourself. If necessary, consult with a lawyer to understand the consequences of the breakup. Sobriety and common sense will help you. Important: fear of loneliness, self-pity, guilt, etc. should not prevent you from moving on. If they block the path to a calm exit from oppressive relationships - go to a psychologist. Work with fears and complexes.

3. "Partner" is another keyword in the message. It is very important to realize and at the stage of breakup constantly remember that you lived and are now parting with an adult, equal sexually mature partner who is fully responsible for your life and partially responsible for what happened to the relationship.

"He'll be lost without me"- so a nursing mother can talk about a baby.

"He has nowhere to live"- Another phrase from the mother's vocabulary.

"I swore to him at the altar"- we are all blinded by hormones in the first months of a relationship and are not able to think soberly, and in later life, alas, anything happens.

"He is so good"- Well, you'll be friends.

"I will break his heart"- as a rule, people cope with breakups. They rarely commit suicide or end up in a psychiatric hospital after this. Don't underestimate your partner's resilience. And if there are serious reasons to doubt it, contact a specialist.

And it’s also important to understand: how a partner will cope with the situation, how quickly he will find a girlfriend, how he will live later and what to do without you, is none of your concern. This is his life. His part of the situation. Yes, often this is a big mental problem and difficulty. But they meet on the path of an adult, including for overcoming and growth. It is much worse to be stuck in infantile interdependence and regret your indecision all your life.

I think you have already understood the importance of a calm attitude to the situation and a sober look at your partner. They are the ones who will play leading role at the end of your story, and in the decisive conversation, you will broadcast a thousand subtle signals: "goodbye" or "oh, I don't know!"

A breakup is a very emotional and painful stage in a relationship. No matter how hard you try, emotions will still roll over and affect you and your behavior. Therefore, it is so important to keep them under control, calm down, tune in, prepare, understand why and what to say. Remember that gratitude, a sense of kinship, sadness are also not uncommon ... But even they should not be bogged down for a long time, indulging in memories of joint joys, if you really want a break. Thank your partner for everything. Wish you happiness. And move on.

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few people love when others are too interested in their life. The curiosity of outsiders is hardly pleasant, especially in cases where there is nothing to boast about. But even if there is a reason to boast of success, not everyone wants to do it, fearing that they will only cause envy with their outpourings. However, curious acquaintances sometimes do not need frank conversations because they have the ability to find out all the information they are interested in themselves - through other people whom you trust or even from yourself - with hints, or even direct questions that are impossible not to answer. Naturally, such interference is unpleasant for you, but how to resist curiosity?

Why do they need it?

First of all, you want understand that your life can be so interesting for others, since they ask so persistently about it. The answer is simple - elementary curiosity, the search for a topic for gossip, a comparison with one's own life, which gives reason to either envy or gloat.

There are also cases when Human can ask you a question just to keep the conversation going, and not at all thinking to offend you. And only in such a situation can you excuse the inappropriate.

Don't give a reason

First of all try do not give rise to questions and gossip. If you would like to hide your salary from colleagues, do not drop hints that it is more than theirs. But, at the same time, you should not be too secretive - this way you will inflame curiosity even more. It follows from this that your life should be in plain sight, but without details. For example, the boss wants to promote you in a position - until an order is issued - you can keep silent about this, but when you are officially promoted - tell your colleagues about it.

Get away from the answer

When you about something ask, and you do not want to answer questions, just avoid answering, for example, say that you need to call, or even just keep silent, as if you did not hear the question. Very effective weapon- move the arrows to the opponent. For example, a colleague asks you if you and your husband are going south, and you absolutely do not want to let her know about your plans. You say: "How are you going to spend your vacation?" In a word, try to simply transfer the topic of conversation to a colleague. Curious people often like to talk about themselves, sometimes thinking thereby to call the interlocutor to frankness. Therefore, you have the opportunity to avoid the answer. Humor also works well in such moments. Suppose you are asked if you want a second child. And you say: "There was no opportunity to talk with the stork yet."

Especially difficult account for when questions are asked in front of other people. And if you could not immediately come up with a decent answer, just keep silent. People around will understand that you are not in an awkward situation, but the one who asked something inappropriate. And already all their attention will turn in another direction, and you will be able to translate the topic of conversation with dignity.

If you see that the given questions have the goal of offending you, make it clear to the offender that you not only see his intentions, but are also able to stand up for yourself, but pretend that this happens by chance - you are just sharp on. For example, you are asked how you always manage to look great, probably do not get enough sleep - because you need to put on makeup. And you can say: "Yes, you can't do without difficulty, you know - for the sake of the waist you have been on a diet for a month now." After a few such phrases, acquaintances will no longer want to ask you about anything.

Resist Revelation

Sometimes acquaintances or Colleagues, seeing your tearful (or, on the contrary, joyful) eyes, they may begin to express participation, accompanying it with calls to say what the matter is. After all, they will certainly be able to listen and give advice. Don't let yourself be caught by this bait. If you really cried - say that it is an allergy to new shadows, if you are upset - explain that you just didn’t get enough sleep or you are not in the mood, if you are happy - say that you heard very funny joke in a taxi. And no matter how bad or good you are - do not give in to the desire to listen to you - if you even hint, and this you will not only spur curiosity, but, of course, tell everything. Therefore, if you understand that you can blab, it’s better to get away from a curious acquaintance as soon as possible.

Question for psychologists

Hello! I really want to know how you can answer questions about your personal life and work so that people do not bother with detailed questions?
Due to poor health and chronic diseases, it is very difficult for me to work outside the home, so I chose the best option for me to work on the Internet. But I am asked again and again why I "do not work" and "stay at home". Also, due to poor health, I know for sure that I won’t be able to raise a child, to say nothing, sometimes I don’t have enough strength even for myself. But do not lag behind with the questions "when to marry?" and "when will you give birth?", "why are you not married yet?"
Previously, these questions did not bother me, I always answered and continue to answer honestly, as is. But with every month and with every new question about work and family, I just don’t know what to do ... I tried not to answer anything at all, to translate the topic, to say openly that I would not touch on such topics, but still the same . People do not seem to hear me, as if bewitched on repeat, scrolling through all the same questions ... What can be done and where to look for your mistake?

4 pieces of advice were received - consultations from psychologists, to the question: What to do with questions about the personal?

Hello Hope!

The more you worry about your work and personal life, the more questions others will ask about these topics. So the Universe forces you to deal with those problems that you actually care about.

Probably, you yourself, deep down, think that you are not working and sitting at home. When you come to the feeling that working on the Internet is the same job as everyone else, accept it and calm down, other people will stop asking you about it. And if they ask, then you will either calmly answer them that this is your choice, or refuse to discuss this topic.

The same applies to personal life. Questions will end when you either change something or accept everything as it is.

If you need help, please contact. You can work on Skype.

Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, psychologist-consultant, St. Petersburg

Good answer 6 bad answer 3

Hello Hope,

tact is not the best forte people in the post-Soviet space :) besides, such questions probably seem to your acquaintances a good way to keep up a conversation with a person about whom little is known. Your decision on what to do in these situations does not have to be the same for everyone. Probably, for each questioner, it can be his own. Whoever is closer can be told about the intricacies of work, which looks like "sitting at home" and about health problems. So next time they can ask about health and work. With the rest, clearly defend your boundaries, you will protect your arsenal: from humor to rudeness. But to stop other people's inquiries is not in your power, it is a given of existing social norms, you can only partially protect yourself from importunity. It's really surprising that you look for your mistake in people asking you about something. These are other people with all their history, unpredictability and upbringing, your area of ​​responsibility is your reaction (minimally traumatic for you personally), and not their questions.

Sincerely,

Dorofeeva Olga, psychoanalyst in St. Petersburg

Good answer 8 bad answer 0

Hope hello! I read your letter and thought about why it is important for you to convey the truthful information to those who ask. For what? Your detailed answers about the reasons why you work from home instead of going to "service" every day are very much like an excuse. Do you really think that you are doing something wrong? I think that there are two parts. First, this is what I am writing about, it is about your sustainability: "I live the way I can and want! And this is my choice!" And the second part, what happens to you when other people violate your boundaries so unceremoniously? Get angry, but for some reason you are afraid to tell people that it is none of their business, that you don't like it when you are asked such questions. Why can it be so difficult to show anger? The fact is that people do not see their aggression, it looks like CARE! It seems to me that it is important for you to regain the right to be angry, and everything will fall into place. And accept your choice. As for your health, I sympathize. Only you are young, and everything can still change. Health to you, happiness, interesting work and interesting people around. Sincerely. WITH.

Androsova Sofia Izmailovna, psychologist, Ufa

Good answer 4 bad answer 2

Good afternoon Hope! It's amazing that you get asked that. It means that people see in you that you are capable of more and deserve more. Maybe it's too early to stop yourself, taking a position that seems comfortable to you. Maybe it’s worth making plans a little higher than the bar that you have now measured out for yourself? What is your name - Nadezhda, as if they were specially given to you so that you would not lose it? Wish you happiness!

It showed the widest range of tricks that people resort to if they do not want to directly answer a certain "uncomfortable" question, as it seems to them. In this sense, all these more than 300 comments can be studied as a kind of textbook.

In principle, the tricks are standard; I will try to classify them, but for simplicity I will replace the question of trusting the Bible with something more innocent. For example, the question "Do you do exercises in the morning?" Here, too, difficulties may arise for a simple learner: to say "yes" - so it seems to be somehow reluctant to lie; to say "no" is like publicly admitting the weakness of your will, which is also not good. And then the man begins to wag:

1) An attempt to question the very right of the questioner to ask any questions. "And who are you anyway? Why, in fact, should I answer you? What right do you have to invade my personal life?"

2) An attempt, in the words of E. Berne, to "settle down from above", that is, to take a patronizing parental position. “You don’t know a lot, young man, and I’m an old athlete. I was doing exercises even when you walked under the table! A deep study of the basics of charging, physical education is my old passion. - you ask - our knowledge about the subject is so incomparable "

3) An attempt to get into the wilds of terminological disputes. "But in general - what is" exercise "? Don't you know how ambiguous the concept is? You understand, maybe "charging", or maybe "physical exercise". What are you asking about? If it's about physical exercise, then you need to also keep in mind that, in addition to the physical, everyone has a certain mental component, an immanent spiritual effort. Are you asking about the mental component of my being? Well, this is an extremely difficult question ... "

4) Leaving through the separation of "us" and "them". "My dear, people who do exercises, at least THINKING about their physical perfection - this is a separate community. Charging is not just like that; it is IMMERSION, immersion in a new reality, spiritual, above all, practice. People who comprehend physical perfection "They are DIFFERENT after all; they understand the words familiar to you, neophytes, quite differently. Therefore, how can I answer you like this, simply - do I do exercises? WILL YOU UNDERSTAND my answer?"

5) An attempt to crush with erudition. "Uh, brother! Here you say -" exercise ". Do you know that this, generally speaking, is practically a science? That people specially LEARN in order to teach physical culture?! Yes, yes, there is such an Institute of Physical Education. And did you finish it? Do you have a diploma? Did you study human anatomy, physiology, young man? Here go, learn - in 5 years come with a diploma. Then I will gladly answer you whether I do exercises in the morning.

6) Leaving through a moral impact. “But how can you ask a person straight on whether he does exercises or not? You seem to be a psychologist. How is it possible?! You cause stress in a person! Is this professional? You turn people against yourself with such questions Yes, it’s clear what kind of psychologist you are ... Sorry, I had (a) a better opinion about you ... Sorry, I won’t answer - it somehow became disgusting "

7) Of course - an attempt "on the go" to change the subject. "Exercising? Yes, what kind of exercise ... There is a more interesting question: do you eat tomatoes at night? Answer, this is very important! Don't you know about the dangers of tomatoes?! And here's the link! And here's the picture! And here's the diagram! What , You don’t understand this either?! Excuse me, but if you can’t even really tell me anything about tomatoes - why should I talk to you about exercises ?!"

8) Substitution of the question - from personal to "general". "Exercising? Are you asking about exercising? But excuse me - but what, is everyone OBLIGED to do exercises? Is this what we have - such a law, or what? I have not heard of such a law. In my opinion, in our country this is a voluntary matter - if you want , do exercises, if you want, don't do it ... What? Does this mean that I don’t do it? Well, why - I didn’t say that. Why do you attribute to me what I didn’t say? Why is this a petty scam?!"

9) Assurance that the question in principle (sic!) cannot be answered unambiguously. "Well, how can I say - do I do it or not? What, ALWAYS, or something, do I do it? Under any circumstances? Well, this is ridiculous. Do you want to say that even with a temperature of 40 I will do exercises ?! I think , the wife dies, the son hangs himself - and I, then, will go to do exercises ?! Right above the coffin ?? Or, for example, I will find myself in the New York-Moscow plane in the morning. Am I going to stand in the aisle and do squats and push-ups do? Well? clever man... It looks like ... But you ask such stupid questions ... I did not expect from you ... "

10. Replacing the question of action with the question of evaluation. “Why do you think that doing exercises in the morning is bad? Why such hatred for people who care about their health? What, everyone should read books from morning to evening, right? If someone feels good from exercise, let him do it! Why do you get attached to such people, WHY? Eh, I had (a) a better opinion of you ... "

November 14, 2013

Even the most understanding interlocutor in the midst of a pleasant conversation can throw out something like “Why aren’t you dating anyone?”, “What is your salary?” or “When are you planning to have children?”.

It seems that these eternal questions will never cease to interest others and confuse us.

After another attempt to evade the answer, Gulnara Garafieva decided to figure out what uncomfortable questions we are most often asked by friends, relatives and colleagues, and how to answer them correctly.

Money matters

“What is your salary?”, “How much did you buy a car for?”, “How much do you pay for an apartment?”, “How much did you take?”. Many people often add to such questions: “You don’t have to answer!” or - “Can I ask an indiscreet question?”, But this does not save from awkwardness. Frankly, I myself liked to be interested in the money affairs of friends. But suddenly I realized that I have not been happy with their acquisitions for a long time, and I replace any compliments and questions with a mercantile “How much?”. Now I am diligently trying to replace all the “how much?” that arises in my head. to “what? Where? When? how amazing!". The effect is very pleasant. Friends are happy to talk about the purchase, new job, and sometimes, without further inquiries, they are frank about the money side. The only thing that so far has not been possible at all is congratulating your husband on a bonus or salary increase without the question “A lot?”

For those who do not want to answer questions about money even to close people, psychologists advise to “mirror”, i.e. answer a question with a question. For example, ask again why your interlocutor is so interested; first find out how much his car costs; or it’s completely childish to say “Tell me first!”. Another method suggested by my acquaintances is to name a suspiciously large or small amount, turning the conversation into a joke.

Interview questions

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”, “What is your biggest flaw?”, “How much did you get at your previous job?” After going through a dozen interviews, I still don't know how to answer these strange HR questions. It seems to me that they themselves do not remember why it is customary to ask about it, but stubbornly follow the traditions. They say that at interviews in large European companies you need to be prepared for anything - even the fact that you will be asked to show the contents of the bag here and now. I don't know any a good specialist, who would be denied a job because he did not show what was in his bag, or because he did not make plans for 5 years ahead. But I know a company that selects new employees on the basis of the question: “There was an elephant weighing 1 ton and 100m high. A year later it rose to 200m. What was its mass? ( By the way, how would you answer?). No matter how much you puzzle over the correct answer, it simply does not exist. Here, the only thing that matters to the employer is how a person will react to the question and how he will reason when answering.

The advice most employers give is to be prepared for any questions or requests, but don't be afraid to decline them if they have nothing to do with your professional skills.

Questions about work and professional competence

« What do you do?”, “What do you do at work?”. With the increase in the density of office workers by square meter and the emergence of such not always unambiguous professions as "curator", "manager", "administrator", "supervisor", "merchandiser", it becomes more and more difficult to talk about one's work. The same specialties are used to refer to different, and sometimes almost opposite, occupations. Thus, the sales specialist, the project manager, and the director of the company all turn out to be “managers”. Having been in various office positions, I sincerely envy doctors, teachers, salesmen, cashiers, locksmiths, builders, plumbers and even calculators (a type of accounting specialization), who can answer the question about the profession in one clear and understandable word, and briefly describe their work a couple of suggestions.

When answering questions about the profession, psychologists advise you to name the specialty that gives you more confidence and pride in your work. If you find it difficult to talk about what you do at work, and the scope of your duties changes every day and is completely unpredictable, try breaking down all your activities for the month into categories. At the same time, you will see for yourself what it takes the most work time. Another good exercise from psychologists: “Within 12 minutes, give as many answers as possible to the question “Who am I?” The answers written down almost unconsciously in this short space of time will tell you a lot about yourself.

Questions about personal life

“Why don’t you have a girlfriend / boyfriend?”, “When is the wedding?”, “Why don’t you get married?”. As it turned out, these questions are equally uncomfortable to answer for both men and women. Moreover, the interlocutors themselves often do not even know why they are asking about it. And, if parents really want to get an answer with the exact date to questions about the wedding, then the rest most often ask them just like small talk or talk about the weather. In such situations, I recall an excerpt from the film "Bridget Jones's Diary", when married couples, surrounding the heroine Renee Zellweger at the table, suddenly ask: "Why are there so many single girls in London?" It is because of the frank inattention of the interlocutor to your feelings that you want to answer these questions with something caustic, like "Take your time looking at you." But my friend, on the contrary, manages not to get angry at numerous questions about her personal life and even jokes: “You should have seen the mournful faces they have when they ask about the guy! Apparently it seems to everyone that if I have been alone for several years, then I am an alien with cockroaches in my head and a harmful character. Looking at them, I immediately imagine that I am green, huge, with tentacles, so no one loves me.

Psychologists also advise not to take such questions seriously, but to ask again why such a strange question occurred to your interlocutor. You will see - a person will immediately hesitate and find himself in an awkward situation. Another way, which for some reason often disarms questioners, is to tell everything as it is. In the end, proudly admit that you are patiently looking for your man and do not want to get married for fear of being alone, even pleasantly. Oddly enough, such reasonable answers surprise many and discourage the desire to discuss your personal life.

Questions about children

“Why don’t you have children?”, “Are you planning a child?”, “When for the second.” For me, these questions are akin to asking “How often do you make love?” or “What positions do you prefer?”. You can start this list from childhood, when the girls in the yard asked something about the first kisses, menstruation and something else, from which the ears immediately turned red. But if in children everything can be attributed to their spontaneity and naivety, then what to do with smart, educated, intelligent, but suddenly completely tactless adults? Ignore or avoid answering — the only way a struggle that I found after several years of training. A silent shrug, an incomprehensible smile, an indistinct “it’s not clear yet / wait and see,” sudden admiration for the interlocutor’s new hairstyle or runaway milk - all this works great to bring the conversation to “no”.

After such a half-answer, relatives usually begin to sympathetically pat me on the shoulder, unfamiliar people understand that they have asked something personal, and friends suddenly remember that I am an introvert, and not the heroine of Sex in big city". Men say that it is even easier for them to deal with such questions. A dry "yes" or "no" is usually quite a satisfactory answer for a stern male conversation. Girls, on the contrary, compose witty remarks that they proudly give out at every opportunity (seen on a popular women's forum):

• “Do you think it’s time for me already?”, - rounding his eyes in surprise and offended.
• “No matter what we tried, it just doesn’t work!” - dramatically throwing up his hands to heaven and burst into tears on the shoulder of the interlocutor
• "With your prayers, very soon!"
• "In a couple of hours!" - looking impatiently at the clock
• “As soon as I will let you know first. Even before her husband.

Psychologists once again advise not to be annoyed by the tactlessness of the interlocutor. The main thing is to be able to clearly answer these questions for yourself. By the way, this advice is great for answering the rest of the points.

Gulnara Garafieva