19.09.2018
The fear of losing control of oneself is a fairly common phenomenon, it is close to the fear of losing one's mind or dying. This disorder is neurotic in nature, acts as a limiter from:
- actions hazardous to health, whether it be a parachute jump or a violent booze;
- socially dangerous actions that can provoke a negative reaction of people around;
- actions that are completely unusual for a person (as if it were not me).
We can conclude that the fear of losing control over ourselves and our lives lies within the boundaries that we set for ourselves. People who are used to keeping everything under control are very afraid of losing it, they are afraid, no matter how paradoxical it may sound, of fear itself in its original form. Scientifically, this is called phobophobia. If ordinary people quite real phobias are inherent: someone is afraid to fly on airplanes, someone is shivering at the sight of snakes or spiders, etc., then phobophobes are afraid for their mind. For example, a person suffering from acrophobia (fear of heights) experiences horror at the moment of being on the 20th floor, while a phobophobe is afraid not of the very fact of height, but of the fact that he suddenly suddenly wants to step into the abyss.
Is there any benefit to fear?
The question is strange, but its answer is obvious - yes, there is. Fear keeps an electrician from going to work while drunk, an angry office clerk from the temptation to destroy furniture and computers, realizing what consequences this entails. We will think a hundred times before we commit an act that can harm health (ours or others), property, etc. In a healthy manifestation, such fear is directly related to the instinct of self-preservation and is inherent in us by nature itself.
When to start being afraid of your fear?
Then, when it gets out of control and ceases to function as a limiter, turning into a phobia that interferes with a normal life. Phobophobia fetters a person with chains of eternal horror in front of everything, spontaneously arising and illogical. Take the Anxiety Test to see how far you've come.
Panic attacks
Panic attacks are the regulars of phobophobes. It all starts with an accelerated heartbeat caused by panic, is complemented by shortness of breath, noise in the ears and head (failure of the autonomic system) and ends with a numbness that cannot be explained. Such attacks are good example psychosomatics and the more phobophobia develops, the more often and more intense panic attacks become. Fortunately, it does not always come to panic attacks and you can cope with them by contacting specialists for help.
Three questions for yourself
Everyone is worried, just someone in moderation and on business, and for someone, anxiety develops into pathological fear with subsequent “bonuses” in the form of panic attacks and neuroses. Ask yourself questions that will help determine the level of tolerable fear:
- Is all responsibility on me? Indeed, what will happen if you suddenly start to "go too far"? In what specific situation and what can happen? Will there be people around who can stop you and point out "too much"? Certainly, yes, they will.
- Does a madman know that he is mad? Of course not, just like an alcoholic will never admit that something is wrong with him. People who have serious mental problems are confident in their adequacy, but they are not in the normality of those around them. If a patient in a psychiatric clinic begins to recognize his illness, this is the first sign that he has set foot on the path to recovery. If you are afraid of losing control over yourself, then you are already in control of the situation.
- What happens if I lose control of myself? In addition to the consequences, which are difficult to imagine, you will probably think about how others will see you. Pathetic, worthless, whiny, or, on the contrary, aggressive, cruel and monstrous. And again we return to the fear of the reaction of others. From this follows the fear of oneself, real and alive, and not fictional and feigned. Work on the perception of yourself, your "I", understand that you cannot please everyone at the same time and at once, it is impossible to meet all expectations. You, after all, are not a "chervonets to please everyone."
Remember:
- learn to relax;
- do yoga, auto-training;
- find the cause of fears, analyze them;
- dig deeper - remember your childhood fears, which may be the trigger of the current phobia;
- bring your fear to its logical conclusion, imagine the result in colors. As a rule, he is ridiculous and absurd;
- crazy people are never afraid to become such and do not consider themselves sick. So you are definitely not one of them;
- rid your life of unjustified expectations, be simpler!
Autumn is the perfect time to travel, so I have a proposal for you: let's go together to the most hidden corners of our souls, where we look into the eyes of our fear. In the end, once we see our fear, we can reduce its influence on us and become truly free people. Many of us are tormented by the fear of losing a loved one, or the fear of taking risks, or the fear of losing control of ourselves. Maybe you need to stop living in the power of fear?
The nature of fear
First of all, every person strives for happiness and love. Everyone has their own vision of the future, their dreams and desires. However, sometimes it happens that we seem to strive to achieve something, but distrust of the world and fear of loss do not allow us to do this, especially if there is self-doubt.
Fear of loss always makes us afraid of what we really want. The fear of the new literally paralyzes our mind, which does not allow us to change anything in our lives and stops us from any actions on the way to dreams and desires.
Over time, we begin to get confused about where we are, our true desires, and where is the result of fear. If you want to see where your fear lives, think about what you do not like in your life? This is the place where fear lives. Perhaps, once you found yourself in a situation where you had to make a decision and act, but you were prevented by the fear of making a mistake, the fear of doing wrong. Since then, he has taken power over you:
For example, fear of losing money makes us hide from risk, thereby depriving us of the necessary experience for future success and a prosperous life.
Fear of being abandoned or the fear of being alone makes us not create relationships (partnership, business), so that in the future we don’t think about the pain that close people or business partners can inflict on us.
How to overcome the fear of loss
Most often, the reasons for this fear are negative own experience or the experience of our parents. After that, as a rule, we begin to avoid communication, serious relationships, marriage.
Fear of loss loved one prevents us from feeling the joy of life, turning it into constant control.
One of the causes of fear is the habit of thinking more than feeling. We think about the future beyond the known world, thereby ignoring our feelings, needs and desires. It is important to learn how to overcome fear in order to achieve heights in life, the fulfillment of desires, the implementation of plans.
It is necessary, firstly, to try not to fight fear, but to take a step towards it, ponder What exactly are you afraid of. When you see your fear, it will begin to weaken, and you will begin to act.
Second, it's important Do not be scared Because what we fear happens to us. While we are afraid, we lose until then, unconsciously laying down a program of failures, obstacles, problems.
Third, don't be shy ask for help to a psychologist. Important role family and friends play in overcoming the fear of loss. Even the realization that you are not alone is already a help.
Fourth, being afraid is easier than going forward and achieving something. Therefore, all we need to do is think about ways to achieve dreams and desires, and take action.
Fifth, realize that love has no fear . Nature endowed us with sensuality and the ability to love. He who loves and has confidence in life is largely free from fear. When we are self-sufficient and self-confident, we need the other person less, but are more willing to give to him.
All the drama of life arises along with desires and expectations. The higher the rate for a particular scenario, the stronger fear that things will go differently. And this "otherwise", meanwhile, can be no worse than the expected development of the life plot.
Lightness comes to business and relationships when you do not make big bets on life and are not afraid to lose anything. This is humility. It's just being honest with yourself. Tomorrow is unpredictable. The next second is unpredictable. To expect something is to deceive yourself. All expectations lead to a painful understanding of the difference that inevitably arises between fantasy and the real state of affairs.
The lightness I'm talking about is not careless frivolity and not swine looseness. This is the state when don't expect anything at all , realizing that life always and everything doing it in your own way, but at the same time you continue to act.
Anything can happen in the next hour of life.
From a purely human point of view, these are really difficult and ambiguous matters. And all because at the current stage of their life scenarios, almost everyone is packed to capacity with personal visions of what life should be.
Hopes and expectations are the very psychological desires that the Buddha described as the source of human suffering. In this sense, the lightness of being - this is such a spiritual enlightenment.
The whole drama of life arises along with desires. The higher the bet on a particular scenario, the greater the fear that things will go differently. And this "otherwise", meanwhile, can be no worse than the expected development of the life plot. But desires have such an insidious property - to suggest that any alignment that goes beyond the expected, leads to misfortune. Such a "pan or lost" in psychology is called dichotomous - that is, black and white thinking.
Sounds like a diagnosis? But this “disease”, to one degree or another, is infected by everyone.
There is nothing definite. Choice, fate - all these are attempts to catch the non-existent. How can we know what life should be? Why are we so clinging to our own illusions? Mistakes are inevitable. It is they who provide the experience that allows them to get around.
Sometimes it is necessary to break relationships, get involved in a problem, have children, and then get a divorce, turn up your nose like a child, tame, and then lose trust, lie well, get drunk, hit a wall ... to understand and see ... get own real experience.
There are no fools. No one can or should do otherwise. There are only experienced and inexperienced - each in his own way of life.
Once I had a vivid dream where I was flying with friends in a large passenger plane through a busy daytime city among tall buildings. The flight looked very dangerous, the wings of the plane rumbled against the walls of buildings, there was anxiety, but with it trust in reality and some kind of joyful magic from an exciting journey. Something inside seemed to understand: it is useless to worry if the plane crashes, nothing can be done about it. Therefore, most of the attention was riveted to the speeding houses, busy roads and streets, to the realization of what was happening as a wonderful journey.
Unfortunately, I still don’t know how to treat life with the same ease. But this dream has become something like a beacon on the way. The lightness of being and the humility that I am talking about is not passivity, but action in spite of the all-consuming uncertainty from which we so diligently escape into the dreams of the mind. This is not a disregard for the fate of one's own body, but a clear understanding that the body mortally and, at times, mortally suddenly. It is not easy for me myself to admit this fact - something inside resists. But the deeper the understanding of this truth, the stronger personal freedom, the greater the ease in relation to life.
I remember Kastanedov's warrior and man of knowledge, whose main adviser is death over his left shoulder. A warrior acts without expecting rewards, seeks freedom, complains of nothing, regrets nothing, does not take himself seriously. He laughs at himself and at the seriousness of life.
The "sad" news: we are all going to die; earthly accumulations and worries are worthless in this light. Good news: it is completely optional to be sad and worry about it; life is like an exciting journey.
Everyone, as if in the same plane, rushes in his present. We have a choice, there is a certain measure of control, but all personal freedom is conditioned by experience and the surrounding reality. At any moment, the unexpected can happen.
This is a disturbing fact, but if it is not accepted, it only gets worse: reality turns into a meaningless death battle against the inevitable. published
Love is such a wonderful feeling. There seems to be nothing better in the world. How nice to feel these bright, pleasant feelings. How great it is to spend an evening together watching a romantic comedy, to take a walk on a warm summer evening together. Just me and him, my favorite person. And it seems that time stops while we are together!
But in this evil and scary world nothing just happens. And where there is love, there are quarrels, and tears, and disagreements. And to avoid this, you need to constantly work on relationships. But how not to make a mistake? After all, more than anything in the world, I'm afraid of losing a loved one.
I'm afraid of losing my loved one. Is it a phobia or a fantasy?
Today I feel that there is something wrong with him. Maybe he was very tired, or I'm to blame for something? The fear that he stopped loving me drives me to hysterics. Did he fall in love with someone else? Will I be alone? I am very afraid of losing my beloved boyfriend - that's why delusional thoughts come into my head.
But after another conversation and a showdown, everything falls into place. We still love each other just as much. Nevertheless, I still seriously thought about how to stop being afraid of losing a loved one. After all, this fear harms our relationship.
Having studied a hundred or even a thousand sites, forums and re-read a bunch of tips, I still have not found a clear answer. But only when I came across an article on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan, I found out why I was so afraid of losing my loved one.
As I understand it, there are people who experience fears and phobias the most. And just the fear of losing a loved one - this applies. How to stop being afraid of losing a loved one, I learned in the article
In the life of almost any woman, there are moments when she is afraid of losing a loved one. For some, these are fleeting moments, because any person has a fear of losing what is dear to him, what he loves, for some it becomes an obsessive thought that interferes with living and perceiving correctly the world and the actions of people, including their own, and generally adequately assess the situation. But the paradox is that the more you are afraid, the more likely you will be to really lose what is so dear to you. The only way change the situation, stop being afraid. This does not mean that you will stop loving, you will just be confident in yourself and your loved one, because when you are confident, you are not afraid. How to stop being afraid of losing a loved one?
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Most often, insecurity arises from low self-esteem. Next, I will give some tips on how to increase it.
First, always try to learn something new, something to learn. You can start learning Japanese, you can learn to roller skate or master the secrets of culinary art, but you need to do this not for someone else, but for yourself. The person who lives interesting life, interesting to others.
Love yourself. Go in for sports, sign up for a pool, go for walks so that your body is in good shape. And it does not matter whether you are a slender blonde or a plump brunette, everyone can find an acceptable option for an active lifestyle. You can change your hair, update your wardrobe, get a manicure. Please yourself and others will like you too.
Notice all the good things that happen to you. You can even start keeping a diary of good events. Do not criticize yourself too often, we all make mistakes, the main thing is to draw the right conclusions from them. Do not feel sorry for yourself, do not consider yourself weak, then you will not cause feelings of pity in those around you. You should be respected, not pitied.
Tune in to the positive. Life is beautiful and amazing, it is full of surprises. Think of good things that can happen to you and your thoughts will work and guide your life in a good way.
You don't have to compare yourself to anyone. Each person is individual and the other may have flaws that you are not aware of. You can only compare yourself with yourself, what you were and what you have become. If you don't like this comparison, then you need to change something.
You can get a dog or a cat. They will love you any, despite the shortcomings. And when someone loves you just for what you are, it's easier to be sure of the love of others.
Do not be afraid of difficulties. By overcoming them, we overcome ourselves. And thus we increase our self-esteem. Every task you take on, complete it. And if you have already decided to do something, do not put it off indefinitely.
If you think in advance what to do if, nevertheless, your loved one leaves you, you will no longer be afraid of this, as you will see that life does not end there.
But for this you need to have your own life, your own interests and hobbies. Just because you love each other doesn't mean you have to be together twenty-four hours a day. Allow yourself to go to a cafe with friends for a cup of coffee, without your boyfriend, give yourself a little freedom.
They say that you don’t have to keep your loved one on a short leash if you don’t want to lose him, because if he wants to, he will leave anyway. At the same time, they forget to clarify that with this leash you tie yourself to it, and the shorter the leash, the more difficult it will be for you if the relationship does not work out.
Remain, for him always a mystery, an unread book, and he will want to know you better. Surprise him, and he will not be bored with you. Be diverse, and he will be interested in you. The more complete and self-sufficient person you are, the more attractive you will be to others and to your loved one as well.
A person must first of all love himself. This does not mean that he must be selfish, but if you cannot love yourself, you will not be able to love someone else. Trust yourself, trust your loved one. After all, they are often afraid of what they do not trust. And what kind of love can there be if you doubt each other.
So what conclusions can be drawn?
How to stop being afraid of losing a loved one? Fear comes from distrust and insecurity. Distrust is only a matter of faith, if it is not there and you doubt your chosen one, then perhaps you do not need these relationships. And with uncertainty it is necessary to fight, first of all, increasing your self-esteem. Believe in yourself, that you are unique, wonderful and you have something to love for. Love yourself, love yourself for who you are, with all the advantages and disadvantages, and others will love you. Do not bind yourself with fear, it can only destroy your relationship. Be a complete person, confident in yourself and you will not be afraid tomorrow and look to the future with confidence.
