Confidence in decision- the main thing that is necessary for parting with the least losses.

Breakups rarely go smoothly. It would seem that the real problem if they left you is the aggravation of all conceivable complexes, and the sea of ​​​​tears of loneliness, and the feeling of abandonment. But the truth is that it is not easy for the “thrower” side either, and they can experience no less painful feelings, backed up by complex doubts and tossing. Moreover, it is these feelings and doubts that can keep a couple in a painful, useless and often long-dead relationship for months and years. Just think about it - months and years of life in torment! What is the most beautiful and least painful way for everyone to leave a once significant relationship?

"CUT WITHOUT WAIT FOR PERITONITIS!"

The breakup formula is simple: if you finally decide to leave, you must calmly inform your partner about your decision. At first glance, this advice is from the category of "Captain Obvious". But in fact, every word in it is mega-important, and problems arise if and only if at least one part of this thesis is underestimated. Let's go through them.

1. "Finally decided" - this is fundamental. If you still doubt, hesitate, weigh the arguments, are ready to change your mind at any moment - you should not start such a conversation. First, accurately determine your desires, and only then raise the issue.

I'm not talking now about situations where the only purpose of the conversation is manipulation. In order to achieve what you want from your partner with the threat of leaving, to find out the relationship, to escalate the situation, to draw attention to yourself, but at the same time not to part. This is different! We are talking only about those circumstances when the relationship is not satisfactory, and you understand that you just want to leave. And if you have already decided, then neither pangs of conscience, nor promises to love to the grave, nor a sense of duty, nor the opinion of your mother and friends should outweigh your decision to live the way you think is right for yourself, your desire to be happy and end painful relationships. Listen carefully to everyone, thank you - and do what you think is right for yourself. In the vast majority of cases, this is the right decision for you and your entire system of relationships on this stage life.

Remember that no matter what your life together, there will always be arguments in favor of not changing anything. I have seen client husbands dunk the child's head in the toilet as punishment, cheat on a weekly basis, beat the woman herself, or use hard drugs - and even in these situations, women managed to doubt the need for a breakup and experienced the pangs of choice.

I deliberately dwell on the first key words of the thesis for so long. Confidence in the decision made is the main thing in order for the parting to happen with the least losses.

Long painful conversations, tears, hesitation, returns and useless going back and forth - all this is the result of your internal vibrations.

DECIDED - EVERYTHING!

2. "Calmly report" - that's right. Do not ask, do not apologize, do not make excuses, do not beg, do not be offended, do not blame, do not scandalize, do not throw a tantrum for persuasiveness. Do not mumble guilty. Do not blame for all mortal sins.

Sometimes it is worth reporting in writing (if the partner is a threat to you, he is unstable or has avoided the meeting many times).

Better - in conversation. Yes, it is always very difficult. And, like any difficult conversation, you need to prepare for this.

First of all, emotionally. Second, content.

Here are some markers emotional readiness. Calm confidence deep inside, even if there is a superficial jitters. Associated feelings. Face it: Yes, you can feel regret. Of course, it is a pity plans, dreams, expectations. And breaking attachments hurts. Sadness. Accept this: if the relationship is valuable and it was good in them, it is sad to leave. But even such relationships sometimes end. Feeling relieved and right about what you are about to do.

Now oh content readiness.

Knowledge of manipulation hooks. You should have a rough idea of ​​what your partner can put pressure on and what weaknesses you have. Consider your reaction. Protect yourself. If necessary, consult with a lawyer to understand the consequences of the breakup. Sobriety and common sense will help you. Important: fear of loneliness, self-pity, guilt, etc. should not prevent you from moving on. If they block the path to a calm exit from oppressive relationships - go to a psychologist. Work with fears and complexes.

3. "Partner" is another keyword in the message. It is very important to realize and at the stage of breakup constantly remember that you lived and are now parting with an adult, equal sexually mature partner who is fully responsible for your life and partially responsible for what happened to the relationship.

"He'll be lost without me"- so a nursing mother can talk about a baby.

"He has nowhere to live"- Another phrase from the mother's vocabulary.

"I swore to him at the altar"- we are all blinded by hormones in the first months of a relationship and are not able to think soberly, and in later life, alas, anything happens.

"He is so good"- Well, you'll be friends.

"I will break his heart"- as a rule, people cope with breakups. They rarely commit suicide or end up in a psychiatric hospital after this. Don't underestimate your partner's resilience. And if there are serious reasons to doubt it, contact a specialist.

And it is also important to understand: how a partner will cope with the situation, how quickly he will find a girlfriend, how he will live later and what to do without you - does not concern you. This is his life. His part of the situation. Yes, often this is a big mental problem and difficulty. But they meet on the path of an adult, including for overcoming and growth. It is much worse to be stuck in infantile interdependence and regret your indecision all your life.

I think you have already understood the importance of a calm attitude to the situation and a sober look at your partner. They are the ones who will play leading role at the end of your story, and in the decisive conversation, you will broadcast a thousand subtle signals: "goodbye" or "oh, I don't know!"

A breakup is a very emotional and painful stage in a relationship. No matter how hard you try, emotions will still roll over and affect you and your behavior. Therefore, it is so important to keep them under control, calm down, tune in, prepare, understand why and what to say. Remember that gratitude, a sense of kinship, sadness are also not uncommon ... But even they should not be bogged down for a long time, indulging in memories of joint joys, if you really want a break. Thank your partner for everything. Wish you happiness. And move on.

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Question for psychologists

Hello! I really want to know how you can answer questions about your personal life and work so that people do not bother with detailed questions?
Due to poor health and chronic diseases, it is very difficult for me to work outside the home, so I chose the best option for me to work on the Internet. But I am asked again and again why I "do not work" and "stay at home". Also, due to poor health, I know for sure that I won’t be able to raise a child, to say nothing, sometimes I don’t have enough strength even for myself. But do not lag behind with the questions "when to marry?" and "when will you give birth?", "why are you not married yet?"
Previously, these questions did not bother me, I always answered and continue to answer honestly, as is. But with every month and with every new question about work and family, I just don’t know what to do ... I tried not to answer anything at all, to translate the topic, to say openly that I would not touch on such topics, but still the same . People do not seem to hear me, as if bewitched on repeat, scrolling through all the same questions ... What can be done and where to look for your mistake?

4 pieces of advice were received - consultations from psychologists, to the question: What to do with questions about the personal?

Hello Hope!

The more you worry about your work and personal life, the more questions others will ask about these topics. So the Universe forces you to deal with those problems that you actually care about.

Probably, you yourself, deep down, think that you are not working and sitting at home. When you come to the feeling that working on the Internet is the same job as everyone else, accept it and calm down, other people will stop asking you about it. And if they ask, then you will either calmly answer them that this is your choice, or refuse to discuss this topic.

The same applies to personal life. Questions will end when you either change something or accept everything as it is.

If you need help, please contact. You can work on Skype.

Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, psychologist-consultant, St. Petersburg

Good answer 6 bad answer 3

Hello Hope,

tact is not the best forte people in the post-Soviet space :) besides, such questions probably seem to your acquaintances a good way to keep up a conversation with a person about whom little is known. Your decision on what to do in these situations does not have to be the same for everyone. Probably, for each questioner, it can be his own. Whoever is closer can be told about the intricacies of work, which looks like "sitting at home" and about health problems. So next time they can ask about health and work. With the rest, clearly defend your boundaries, you will protect your arsenal: from humor to rudeness. But to stop other people's inquiries is not in your power, it is a given of existing social norms, you can only partially protect yourself from importunity. It's really surprising that you look for your mistake in people asking you about something. These are other people with all their history, unpredictability and upbringing, your area of ​​responsibility is your reaction (minimally traumatic for you personally), and not their questions.

Sincerely,

Dorofeeva Olga, psychoanalyst in St. Petersburg

Good answer 8 bad answer 0

Hope hello! I read your letter and thought about why it is important for you to convey the truthful information to those who ask. For what? Your detailed answers about the reasons why you work from home instead of going to "service" every day are very much like an excuse. Do you really think that you are doing something wrong? I think that there are two parts. First, this is what I am writing about, it is about your sustainability: "I live the way I can and want! And this is my choice!" And the second part, what happens to you when other people violate your boundaries so unceremoniously? Get angry, but for some reason you are afraid to tell people that it is none of their business, that you don't like it when you are asked such questions. Why can it be so difficult to show anger? The fact is that people do not see their aggression, it looks like CARE! It seems to me that it is important for you to regain the right to be angry, and everything will fall into place. And accept your choice. As for your health, I sympathize. Only you are young, and everything can still change. Health to you, happiness, interesting work and interesting people around. Sincerely. WITH.

Androsova Sofia Izmailovna, psychologist, Ufa

Good answer 4 bad answer 2

Good afternoon Hope! It's amazing that you get asked that. It means that people see in you that you are capable of more and deserve more. Maybe it's too early to stop yourself, taking a position that seems comfortable to you. Maybe it’s worth making plans a little higher than the bar that you have now measured out for yourself? What is your name - Nadezhda, as if they were specially given to you so that you would not lose it? Wish you happiness!

Use the weapon of the interlocutor and interrogate him with predilection. For example, ask why he is asking and what will change your answer.

If you keep friendly intonations, the degree of rudeness in this method is almost zero. At the same time, you squeeze the questioner from your territory back to neutral. With luck, the person will realize that the question is tactless.

Are you going to buy an apartment at all, or will you live in a rented apartment until old age?

Will my answer make a difference? Or why are you interested?

2. Transform the question

An uncomfortable topic can be directed in the right direction if you clarify the subject of the conversation before starting to answer. It is important to navigate quickly so that the interlocutor does not have time to bring you back.

Is there a groom, or will you die surrounded by cats?

You mean cats scare away suitors? What are you, my cats are very friendly, because I took them from a shelter. By the way, and I advise you, a cat on the farm is always useful. Especially since the cats from the shelter are so grateful.

3. Pour water

Long-windedly answer not the question asked, but one very close to it, keeping the main subject of the conversation unchanged. The method does not give a 100% guarantee, since the interlocutor may not be so easily confused, but it works. At least the politicians.

If nothing comes to mind, start answering the question from afar. Until you get to the point, the topic will die out by itself.

Why haven't you been promoted yet? You have been in this position for a very long time.

As a child, I always looked at adults who were returning from work in the evening, and I thought that one day I would have to do it too. Then it seemed to me that it was great, because at work you don’t have to sleep and eat semolina. What a fatal mistake!

If you need to distract the interlocutor, give him the opportunity to talk about what he (in his opinion) understands. Ask for advice and listen carefully to the answer.

Just in no case do not ask questions related to the main topic of the conversation. If you ask, for example, how to find a spouse, in response to the question why you are not, then you run the risk of each meeting reporting on how the search is progressing. So switch the interlocutor to the most abstract topic.

Are you going to look for a normal job or will you freelance?

So far, I'm concerned about the repair. By the way, you recently moved the floor in the rooms. Is it really possible to cover the floor with a board now, or does it stand like a cast-iron bridge? What did you choose? And why?

5. laugh it off

If you are not a sparkling stand-up comedian, it is better to prepare in advance. Annoying questions are usually the same, so you can come up with an answer for each and give it out every time someone treads on the slippery soil of faux pas.

Why don't you have kids?

You know, I ask myself all the time, why don't I have children. But in the end I can’t agree with myself, I quarrel and even stop talking to myself. Apparently, we will have to wait a little longer, otherwise we will have to part with ourselves on this basis.

6. State your dissatisfaction directly

There are questions that annoy you, but on the whole are decent, and there are frankly tactless ones. And if we are talking about the latter option, take courage and outline what is permitted so that your words cannot be interpreted ambiguously.

Do you look bad, are you sick?

I doubt this question is relevant. I am ready to discuss the state of health only with the attending physician.

7. Ignore the question

This option will require some acting skills from you. Continue as if you didn't hear the question. When the interlocutor repeats it, continue to bend your line. Sooner or later he will get bored.

If it seems to you that you can not cope, go away from the question in the truest sense of the word. Say that you need to leave for a minute. Come back with a prepared topic for conversation.

When will you finally marry Masha?

Excuse me for a second.

Have you seen the latest Tarantino movie?

8. Mirror someone else's faux pas

Of course, you are a well-mannered person and do not want to be rude in response to uninvited ones. But some people in their manifestations of curiosity do not give up even after all the previous methods have been tried. In this case, a little aggression won't hurt.

True, it is better not to look for the vulnerability of the interlocutor in order to hit harder - why would you sink to his level? He himself gives you weapons - his question. Just return it in a wording that will bring the questioner to clean water.

When are you going to get a normal haircut?

Do I understand correctly that you consider my haircut unsuccessful and that I should adapt to your taste, and not to my own?

How do you avoid tactless questions?

Difficult questions - how to be? Our life is bright and many-sided. Day after day we meet dozens of people, we communicate on the street, at work, at home. Passers-by, friends, colleagues, relatives - we are connected with each other by thin threads of communication. But communication does not always bring us joy. How often an unexpected question compromises, unsettles, and simply baffles. I really want to get out of this situation beautifully, without losing face. But how? How to get away from answering a question that you want to answer or you just don't know how to answer it?

• The simplest thing is to change the subject. For example, to the question: “Were you not in this terrible club?”, - answer: “There are so many entertainment centers in our city! And next week, an exhibition of Chagall himself is coming to us!”

• When there is no answer to a direct question at the right moment, you can skillfully replace it with a generalizing answer: “And you know absolutely nothing about the Battle of Borodino?” - "Oh, it was great battle, but our history knows so many grandiose battles! ”... And develop the story in this direction.

• You can try to get the person to look at you from the other side: “Do you always do this kind of work so slowly?” “Perhaps, but my work is dominated by quality and meaningfulness!”

How to answer a nasty question

• And if the opponent is trying to humiliate us, you can crush him with intellect: “Where did you learn to write so clumsily?” “Oh my friend, what do you know about calligraphy? About its development, about the Western European, Indian directions? Are you the judge of this?"

• Often we are offended by the closest people. You can get out of this situation by clicking on the moral side of the relationship: “When was the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror?” - "You are the best for me. close person! And you understand that time has no power over us! How does your conscience allow you to say that?”

• You can confuse the questioner with a question to the question: “Are you tired of reading in work time? “And who among us does not part with a cup of coffee all day?”

• And we have the right not to answer some questions at all. Have we been unfairly offended by a question? Let's measure the offender contemptuously - with a condescending look, proudly arch an eyebrow, and simply leave, leaving him alone to bathe in his negativity!

Interpersonal relationships are a very delicate thing. One awkward question can destroy confidence in yourself and destroy close, trusting relationships. And life itself constantly asks us difficult questions. It is important to carry light, positive, faith in yourself, to do good. And then you will find the answers you need! And nothing can stop us from walking through life with a light perky gait! And you won’t let anyone put yourself in an uncomfortable position, you know now how to get away from the answer in any situation.

A person's life is a series of "white" and "black" stripes, in which awkward moments are not complete. Unpleasant situations are created by attackers who are trying to demonstrate to society the shortcomings of their opponent. Excessive curiosity of friends or the importunity of a boss who is interested in your fate - provocative questions accompany a person throughout the entire “path”. To assess the extent of the interlocutor's lack of education or the presence of a desire to harm, you need to familiarize yourself with the traditional set of phrases that confuse people.

When are you going to get married? Why did you divorce? How much do you earn? How are you feeling? Are you planning to “make” children soon? Where did you study? How much did you spend on vacation? How did you make money on a premium car? At such moments, a single thought hovers in the mind of a person: “How to get away from answering an unpleasant question?”

If you do not care about the feelings and emotions of the interlocutor, then it is recommended to directly inform him of the lack of desire to continue the conversation

How not to offend a person with your answer?

Often uncomfortable questions asked by work partners or older people whom you respect. What to do in such a situation? Showing aggression, voicing or avoiding the answer is an inappropriate decision, because you will show disrespect to the interlocutor. Psychologists advise following three rules that help change the course of events without revealing your own dissatisfaction with what is happening:

• Change the topic of conversation without attaching importance to the question asked.

I think I saw you at the restaurant this weekend. Did you say you'd be busy?

- I have such a standard type of appearance that they constantly confuse me with someone. What was this restaurant? Tell me, please. It is interesting to know which places I prefer to visit.

• Answer in a generalized way so that the interlocutor does not notice the catch.

- You do not know anything about the abolition of serfdom in Rus'?

- Why do you think so? Scales of history Russian Federation strike the imagination of foreigners. Is it really possible for a native resident not to know about such an event? There is no desire to just remember the difficult times for the state, forgive me.

• Imagine the situation in which they are trying to put you from a different angle.

Do you always spend that much time doing a simple task?

- The work should be evaluated not by the number of minutes, but by the quality of the result!

Following simple rules, you will be able to correctly and constructively answer the question of interest to the interlocutor without offending him. Such a format of communication will not harm the reputation, because you participate in the dialogue, independently choosing the vector of the conversation.

Visually showing dissatisfaction with the issue is an inappropriate solution. The interlocutor will only increase the pressure exerted on you by adding 2-3 more sharp phrases to the words spoken.

Methods for avoiding answering incorrect questions

Dialogue is the art of building communication with a person, where one awkward phrase can cross out faith in one's own strengths. Without taking into account, it is recommended to treat the words spoken with all responsibility. A careless expression becomes the cause conflict situation, and a timely set is an effective prerequisite for friendly relations. To avoid unpleasant situations, correctly moving away from impolite questions, be guided in conversations by the following rules:

• "Cut off" the interlocutor's statement, letting him realize that you do not want to continue the conversation on such topics.
• Ask a counter-question to divert the attention of the "opponent" from your personality, taking extra time to comprehend the answer.
• Pretend to be filled with confidence that you did not hear the phrase spoken to you, leaving it unattended.
• Defend an unpleasant question with wit and humor, enlisting the support of the public who appreciated your joke.
• If you have the gift of eloquence, then do not hesitate to answer the question. Just start the story with the phrase: "In my childhood ...", preparing the interlocutor for a detailed story.
• Pour "water" without avoiding participation in a conversation that takes on a completely different format.
• To a specific question addressed to you, ask a lot of counter, clarifying phrases, confusing the interlocutor.
• Ask the interested person about the prerequisites for the emergence of such a formulation. Ask about his intentions, distracting from the unpleasant dialogue.
• Focus on the vocabulary present in the question, ask the “opponent” about the reason for using such speech turns.
• If you are not deprived of an acting gift, then play the depressive hero from the dramatic works of William Shakespeare. To be or not to be?
• Ignore the person whose question you don't like.

In an unpleasant dialogue, there are faithful "helpers" who confuse the enemy. Do not give in so that the interlocutor is convinced of your competence. Do not show your fears by preventing attacks from the person who decided to put you in an awkward situation. Social memory is a long-lasting phenomenon, which means that it will be extremely difficult to change the prevailing stereotypes about you. It is more rational to prevent such a development of events by observing the above recommendations.

If the interlocutor, in response to a counter question, expresses a desire to continue the discussion, then without a shred of doubt say that you are not interested in the development of events. A direct answer of such content will put a person who seeks to convict you of something into a stupor

Universal Answer Options

Situations in life are different, so people should have prepared universal answers to unpleasant questions. Phrases like this will help keep the feeling dignity without questioning the society's impeccable reputation. It will become easier to deal with stress in exciting moments, because you will always have 2-3 well-thought-out answers for unfriendly interlocutors:

• You are an amazing person personal qualities whom I admire endlessly! Is the ability to ask rhetorical questions your inborn talent?
• For what purposes are you interested?
• You really know how to ask a question that confuses the interlocutor! How to learn this art of dialogue? Do not share?
• I already have an answer to your question, but first I want to be curious: Why do you need such information?
• Do you insist on this format of conversation? I have no desire to discuss such topics.
• I'm sure you know the answer to this question.

In building a dialogue with a person who wants to put you in an awkward situation, prefer to remain calm and decisive. The interlocutor, who did not notice the opponent’s fear, will slow down the “turns”, abandoning the strategy of passive aggression. Remember that only the ability to maintain self-esteem, reinforced by charisma, allows you to achieve social recognition, withstanding the attacks of competitors.

In order for impolite or unpleasant questions not to knock you out of your usual “rut”, strive for peace of mind. Inner harmony- a pledge of decent behavior in stressful situations. Not surprisingly, balanced and self-confident people with incorrect questions are much less frequently approached by attackers.