We are satisfied with life when we are loved and waited by loved ones and significant people. This dependence can be taken for granted and "do not scratch where it does not itch." And what to do if it does not give rest public opinion? Know yourself and make sure you are worthy of love and respect.

It would seem, what difference does it make to us, who will think about how beautiful we are, what we are wearing, what we said or did? The famous once said: “I don’t care what you think of me, because I don’t think about you at all.” The same opinion is shared by our contemporary American actress Cameron Diaz, who said that she does not care about the opinions of others, and she will live her life the way she wants, and not someone else.

People who are independent of other people's opinions can be envied, but they are in the minority. Most need the approval of others, sometimes even those who are unsympathetic to them. For some, such addiction generally becomes so painful that they need the services of a psychotherapist. In particular, actress Megan Fox, known for her phobias, has mental problems. Although, according to her, she often manages to ignore the streams of lies spread about her by tabloid publications, nevertheless, she once said: “... Believe me, I care what people think about me, ... because I'm not a robot ".

Impressive people with a vulnerable psyche, and especially young ones, are too dependent on the opinions of others. They might feel better once they learn about the 18-40-60 rule. American psychologist Daniel Amen is the author of many bestsellers, including "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life!". He assures his patients, suffering from complexes, insecure and overly dependent on the opinions of other people: “At 18, you care about what others think about you, at 40 you don’t give a damn about it, and at 60 you understand that others about you don't think at all."

Where does this dependence on other people's opinions come from, the desire to please and earn words of approval, sometimes even from strangers?

Of course, there is nothing wrong with charming the interlocutor, making a favorable impression on him, no. After all, as they say, "a kind word is pleasant for a cat."

We are talking about something else: about cases when, in an effort to please a person, he says not what he thinks, but what others would like to hear from him; dresses not in the way that is convenient for him, but in the way that friends or parents impose on him. Gradually, without noticing how, these people lose their individuality and stop living their own lives. How many destinies did not take place due to the fact that the opinions of others were put above their own!

Such problems have always existed - as long as humanity has existed. Another Chinese philosopher who lived BC. e., remarked: "Worry about what other people think of you, and you will forever remain their prisoner."

Psychologists say that dependence on someone else's opinion is characteristic primarily of people with low self-esteem. Why people do not value themselves is another question. They may have been bullied by authoritarian or perfectionist parents. Or maybe they lost faith in themselves and their abilities because of the failures that followed one after another. As a result, they begin to consider their opinions and feelings as not worthy of someone else's attention. Worried that they will not be respected, taken seriously, out of love and rejected, they try to be “like everyone else” or be like those who, in their opinion, enjoy authority. Before they do anything, they ask themselves the question: “What will people think?”.

By the way, everyone famous work A. Griboyedov's "Woe from Wit", written back in the 19th century, ends with the words of Famusov, who is not worried about the conflict that occurred in his house, but "What will Princess Marya Alekseevna say?". In this work, the Famus society with its sanctimonious morality is opposed by Chatsky, a self-sufficient person with his own opinion.

Let's face it: depending on the opinions of others is bad, because people who do not have their own point of view are treated with condescension, they are not considered and respected. And, feeling this, they suffer even more. In fact, they cannot be happy, because they are constantly in a state of internal conflict. They are haunted by a sense of dissatisfaction with themselves, and their mental anguish repels people who prefer to communicate with those who are confident in themselves.

True, there is another extreme: one's opinion, desires and feelings are put above all else. Such people live by the principle: "There are two opinions - mine and the wrong one." But that, as they say, is "an entirely different story."

Is it possible to learn not to depend on the opinions of others?

As the secretary Verochka from the film “Office Romance” said, if you wish, “you can also teach a hare to smoke.” But seriously, people underestimate their capabilities: they can do a lot, including

1. Change yourself, that is, learn to be yourself

And for this, first of all, a strong desire is needed. Writer Ray Bradbury said to people, "You can get whatever you want, as long as you really want it."

To change yourself means to change the way you think. The one who changes his thinking will be able to change his life (unless, of course, it suits him). After all, everything that we have in life is the result of our thoughts, decisions, behavior in different situations. When making a choice, it is worth considering what is paramount for us - own life or illusions of other people.

Known for his bright individuality, the artist said that he developed the habit of being different from everyone else and behaving differently than other mortals, he developed in his childhood;

2. Control yourself

Having your own opinion does not mean not listening to someone else's. Someone may have more experience or be more competent in some matters. When making a decision, it is important to understand what it is dictated by: your own needs or the desire to keep up with others, the fear of not being a black sheep.

There are many examples when we make a choice, thinking that it is ours, but in fact, friends, parents, colleagues have already decided everything for us. Marriage is forced on a young man, because “it’s necessary” and “it’s time”, because all friends already have children. A 25-year-old girl who studies in the city is asked by her mother to bring at least some young man with her to the village during the holidays, passing her off as her husband, because the mother is ashamed in front of her neighbors that her daughter is not yet married. People buy things they don't need, arrange expensive weddings, just to meet other people's expectations.

When making a choice and making a decision, it is worth asking ourselves how it corresponds to our desires. Otherwise, it is easy to let yourself be led astray from your own life path;

3. Love yourself

Ideal is a relative concept. What serves as an ideal for one may not be of any interest to another. Therefore, no matter how hard we try, there will still be a person who will condemn us. How many people, so many opinions - it is impossible to please everyone. Yes, and I am “not a chervonets to please everyone,” said some literary hero.

So why waste your mental strength on a useless activity? Wouldn't it be better to look at ourselves in order to finally realize how unique we are and worthy of our own love and respect! This is not about selfish narcissism, but about love for your body and your soul as a whole.

A person who does not love his house does not put it in order and does not decorate it. He who does not love himself does not care about his development and becomes uninteresting, therefore he does not have his own opinion and passes off someone else's as his own;

4. Stop thinking

Many of us exaggerate our importance in the lives of those around us. A married colleague had an affair with an employee. Nobody was interested in this fact enough to discuss it for more than a few minutes. But it seemed to the employee that everyone was talking about him. And indeed, with all his appearance, he did not let people forget about it: he blushed, turned pale, stuttered, and eventually quit, unable to withstand, as he believed, behind-the-scenes conversations. In reality, no one was interested in his fate, because each person is primarily concerned with his own problems.

All people are primarily concerned with themselves, and even if someone puts on socks of different colors, a sweater inside out, dyes their hair pink, he will not be able to surprise them or attract their attention to himself. Therefore, you should not depend on the opinions of others, to whom we are often completely indifferent;

5. Learn to ignore someone else's opinion if it is not constructive

Only those who are nothing are not criticized. The American writer Elbert Hubbrad said that if you are afraid of being criticized, then "do nothing, say nothing and be nothing." And we don't want to be nobody. This means that we accept constructive criticism and do not pay attention to the one with which we do not agree, not allowing it to determine our life. The famous, addressing the graduates of Stanford University, admonished them: "Your time is limited, do not waste it living someone else's life."

Other people's successes and popularity often cause envy among people who crave them, but who lack the intelligence, abilities, self-discipline to win them. Such people are called haters, and they live on the Internet. They express their “hateful” opinion in the comments, trying to break and force to “leave” those who, in their opinion, have undeservedly gained fame. And sometimes they succeed.

Those who love to criticize, wrote Oscar Wilde, are those who are not able to create something themselves. Therefore, they are worthy of regret, and they should be treated with a share of irony and humor. As one friend says, their opinion will not affect my bank account in any way.

Sometimes it's not so easy not to worry about what others think. However, there are many ways to become a more confident person, form your own mind and develop your own style. Try not to think about whether others are looking at you, whether they are judging you. Don't take their opinion too personally. Listen only to reasoned opinions based on facts. Make a decision based on your values, do not neglect your beliefs and principles. When it comes to style, remember that everyone has different tastes, so no one has the right to judge you.

Steps

Become a more confident person

Accept yourself for who you are. Be yourself, try to become better, but accept in yourself what you can no longer change. Do not try to become someone else, just to please others.

• Make a list of what you like about yourself, as well as a list of what you would like to change. Think about the specific steps you will need to take to improve. For example: “Sometimes I am too aggressive towards other people. Every time they make a remark or say something to me, I need to first wait and think about what I want to say, and only then speak.
• Accept what you cannot change. For example, perhaps you would like to be a little taller. But understand that you can no longer change this. So instead of constantly thinking about how nice it would be if you were a little taller, try to think about the benefits of your height, for example, you won't have to hit your head on a doorway.

1. Do not be afraid of embarrassment, imagine a successful outcome of events. Try not to set yourself up for a bad or awkward outcome, don't worry about what other people will think of you if you do something wrong. Set a goal for yourself, break it down into small sub-goals and try to visualize your success at every step!

   • For example, if you want to appear more confident during a conversation, break this goal into several subgoals: maintain eye contact, listen to the other person, nod when the other person pauses, ask questions, answer, tell stories from your life.
   • If the result is not exactly what you planned, do not be embarrassed, just try to understand what your mistake is. Remember that you are only learning, no one succeeds right away, especially on the first try.

2. Don't try to anticipate every step and every action. Understand that people around you do not notice every little thing that you do. Before you get embarrassed and lose confidence, remind yourself that people are more interested in the time they spend with you, they don't have time to evaluate and criticize your every thought and action.

   • Try to control yourself, notice in time that you are starting to get hung up on one thought. Say to yourself: “Stop analyzing! Calm down and relax."
   • The ability to quickly calm down and the ability to learn from your mistakes are very useful things, especially if you are in the mood for success, and not for negative thoughts.

3. Don't let someone's negative opinion define your personality. Keep a balance and do not take negative judgments as absolute truth. If you think that there is some truth in this judgment, use it as an opportunity to improve something in yourself, but do not let negative judgments affect your self-esteem.

   • For example, let's say someone says you have a nasty temper. If you barely know this person, and don't know him at all, just ignore it. However, if a close friend or good buddy who spends a lot of time with you told you about this, think about why he had such an opinion. Work on learning how to stay calm when you get angry (you can do this by taking slow, deep breaths).

4. Think about whether the person who expressed a negative opinion about you has good intentions. What a person's intentions are determines whether you accept that opinion or simply forget about it. Ask yourself, “Does this person have a vested interest in this matter? Did he say this so that I know what I need to work on to become better, or is it just a petty attempt to insult me?

   • For example, your good friend can say: “It seems that it’s impossible to communicate with you lately, you yourself are not yourself.” This judgment can be accepted and considered. On the other hand, if you are told: “You are always so inattentive, you are so stupid!”, then it is better to simply ignore such a judgment.

5. Try to present yourself in a way that makes you happier. Think about your interests, your clothing preferences, your surroundings, your lifestyle choices. Focus on your style, on what makes you happy, rather than chasing fashionable and popular trends.

   • For example, if you find yourself enjoying mixing and matching different styles and colors, don't be afraid to wear what you like just because other people might think it's wrong.
   • Decorate your apartment or room with trinkets that are valuable to you, even if someone advises you to choose something more stylish or go for minimalism. On the other hand, remove all knick-knacks and various other decorative items if you hate clutter and junk. Just do what is best for you.

6. Create an inspiration folder to find your own style. When you find your own style of dress, look through fashion magazines and blogs for inspiration. Cut out the pictures that motivate you, collect them and make a digital or paper collage or "inspiration notebook". Flip through magazines and find images that make you feel unique and confident.

Susceptibility to the opinions of others is real slavery and the main enemy of our happiness. Therefore, let's choose independence once and for all, realizing that the true value of a person and what others think of him are far from the same thing.

IN modern society it is easy to become dependent on the opinions of other people, because the value of a person is now unfairly judged by his social status. Note that talking about acquaintances is the #1 topic in our daily conversations. But let me remind you that there is too little truth in gossip to be taken seriously.

And even if we perfectly understand this, it is still sometimes very difficult to ignore the words of others. To deal with such a problem, you first need to clearly understand the 10 weighty reasons why you still should not care about anyone's opinion.

1. Nobody knows you as well as you do.

People can be very arrogant sometimes. And this is manifested in the fact that they tend to judge the personal qualities of another person after only a few minutes after they met. We generalize, make assumptions and form opinions about other people from the first moments of interaction, but the conclusions drawn are rarely correct. Few people know the truth even after years of communication. You know your own strengths and weaknesses, all your likes and dislikes better than anyone else in the whole world. Yes, people can be extraordinarily quick to jump to conclusions, but do their opinions of you match reality? Hardly. So don't even bother about it.

2. Nobody likes to be worse than others

We all love to feel confident that our lives are far from worse than others. And when things do not go as smoothly as we would like, many begin to deliberately downplay the achievements of friends and slander their acquaintances in order to look more successful and prosperous against this background. In this way they try to hide their own insecurities and inferiority. Of course, it is easier to do this than to strive to rise and become better yourself. But this fact does not make such a strategy winning. Remember that only the best are discussed, so put all the gossip out of your head and get on with your life.

3. You deserve peace

Do you want to live a life full of excitement and worry? A life where other people's words will sting you like wasps every time you hear negative or offensive remarks directed at you? I bet what you don't want. It is unlikely that anyone will be attracted by the prospect of living their whole life as a “good boy”, who tries to please everyone and everyone, in fear of being offended or rejected. You deserve a better fate. Remind yourself of this more often.

4. In any situation there will always be dissatisfied

Successful people don't care what others think of them. Why? Because there will always be those who are dissatisfied, and in order to achieve something more, you often have to cross someone's path, without it in any way. And if, on your way to success, you suddenly find that you are not meeting any resistance, then you are probably doing something wrong. Whether you do what you want or don't, either way you'll be a bad person for someone. So why deny yourself then?

5. You just don't have time for it.

Success is becoming a better, more perfect version of yourself. In order to be successful, you must develop your strengths and minimize all your weaknesses. But how can you do this if you are too preoccupied with the views and opinions of other people? If you want to succeed, you have no right to waste your precious time on such nonsense. Focus on self-development, and not on thinking about the thoughts of others.

“Being yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make another person out of you is greatest achievement» — Ralph Emerson.

6. Self-confidence is not built on the opinions of others.

How often do you think a self-confident person pays attention to unkind criticism? I think not often. On the contrary, confidence comes from understanding the pettiness and subjectivity of the opinions of others. Confident People ignore unreasonable criticism, they themselves know their shortcomings and know how to live with them. They don't need others to understand their mistakes. First of all, they trust themselves and their own opinion.

7. Only those who do nothing themselves criticize.

In his famous book How to Make Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie reminds his readers of the importance of not criticizing other people if you want to be truly successful. Attempts to interfere with others, even with simple gossip, never lead to good. And, as they say, only those who do nothing themselves criticize. Therefore, do not pay attention to evil tongues - with their gossip, they only make things worse for themselves.

"Criticism is like a carrier pigeon: it always comes back"- Dale Carnegie.

8. You will start to believe what they say about you.

If you worry too much about the opinions of others, you will begin to forget that it is subjective and has nothing to do with the real state of affairs. And this is a sad truth. If you do not learn to ignore the words of others, you will quickly become the person that others see in you. Do not become a false version of yourself, remember that no one knows you as well as yourself.

"No one can humiliate you without your consent"- Eleanor Roosevelt.

9. You will become the same gossip

Our environment has a huge impact on us. And in terms of talking about other people, you need to be very careful. Especially if you notice that you have begun to ridicule and condemn your acquaintances more and more often, in an attempt to overshadow the opinions of other people about yourself. Do you see a certain cyclicality here? Everyone is discussing a friend, and with each new gossip it happens more and more. Do you want to participate in something like this?

10. You will regret it on your deathbed.

Of course, I would not want to end the article on such a sad note, but since we decided to consider all the reasons why you should not care about the opinions of others, then you need to go to the end. And the book “Top 5 Regrets of the Dying” will help us with this, the author of which for many years cared for people who are on their deathbed. Thanks to her rich experience, this woman was able to identify the top 5 regrets of the dying. Can you guess what tops the list? That's right, concern about other people's opinions. “I only now understand how much I depended on the opinions of others. I'm sorry that I didn't have the courage to live my life the way I wanted it, and not the way others wanted it" - this is what most people think about on their deathbed. Sad ending, right?

Never let other people's opinions guide you. We sincerely hope that these 10 reasons were able to convince you of the absolute uselessness (and even harmfulness) of all experiences about what others might think.

Be yourself, live your life and trust only your heart!



be considered

vb., nsv., use often

Morphology: I I think, You considered, he she it counts, We are considered, You are considered, They are considered, reckon, reckon, was considered, was considered, was considered, were considered, considered, considered, considering; St. count, settle accounts

1. If anyone reckon with someone, with something, it means that this person treats with attention, respect for someone, for something.

2. If they say about someone that they can be with him disregard, then this means that the opinion of this person is neglected.

3. If something is said to be does not count, then this means that any circumstance is not taken into account, cannot be recognized as decisive in anything.

4. If anyone does not count over time, with danger, this means that this person does not think about the time costs, the riskiness of any business.

5. If someone does something, regardless with something, it means that someone does not attach importance to something.

Regardless of the losses, the detachment moved forward.

6. If anything counts expedient, necessary, etc., this means that the opinions of many people agree that something is just that.

Swimming here is considered dangerous. | Accuracy is considered a sign of good taste. | The electric power industry is traditionally considered a key sector of the economy.

7. If anything counts something, it means that something is equated with something, identified with something.

A binary number is considered negative if its most significant bit is 1.

8. If anything counts something, then this means that something is assigned to any category of things, phenomena, etc.

The tea capital of India is the large port of Kolkata. | Worldwide, insurance is considered one of the most intelligent types of business.

9. If anyone counts by someone, by someone, it means that this person is considered to be a category of people.

Someone is considered the founder of something. | In such an accident, the driver is always considered to be at fault.

Explanatory dictionary of the Russian language Dmitriev. D.V. Dmitriev. 2003 .

See what "count" is in other dictionaries:

See take care not to be considered... Dictionary of Russian synonyms and expressions similar in meaning. under. ed. N. Abramova, M .: Russian dictionaries, 1999. be considered conform to, take into account, take into account, take into account; to count, to count, ... ... Synonym dictionary

CONSIDER, reckon, reckon, inconsistency. 1. (modern. to count) with whom than. Make payments, make payments. 2. (modern. to be considered) trans., with whom than. Settling scores, arguing and quarreling without yielding (simple). He considers everyone. 3. with… … Explanatory Dictionary of Ushakov

With whom, what (inosk.) to take into account. Wed Her husband, the merchant, already portrays himself as “something” in the local political world, he is now in some way a “person”, “zemstvo worker”, “representative” of a well-known idea, honorable and “influential” ... ... Michelson's Big Explanatory Phraseological Dictionary (original spelling)

COUNT, ayus, aeshsya; incompatibility 1. with whom. Make payments, pay (colloquial). I cry for everyone, then we'll be with. 2. with whom (what). To take into account, take into account, respect someone. S. with someone else's opinion. 3. by whom (what). To be known, to be known in ... ... Explanatory dictionary of Ozhegov

1. COUNT, ayus, ayus; nsv. 1. Unfold Make mutual cash payments; pay off, pay off. I will cry, but we will later. 2. Clarify relationships with each other, listing mutual services, favors, claims, etc. ... ... encyclopedic Dictionary

With whom, than (foreigner) to take into consideration Cf. Her husband, the merchant, already portrays himself as something in the local political world, he is now in some way a person, a zemstvo activist, a representative of a well-known idea, an honorable and influential person with whom you need ... ... Michelson's Big Explanatory Phraseological Dictionary

reckon- CONSIDER, Nesov. (owls. to reckon), with whom than. Show (show) a respectful attitude towards someone, taking his views, opinions into account ... Big Dictionary Russian verbs

I carry 1. unfold Make mutual settlements; pay off, pay off. ott. trans. Clarify relationships with each other. 2. trans. Take into account, recognize as important. ott. Treat with respect, appreciate. 3. unfold Be listed…… Modern explanatory dictionary of the Russian language Efremova

Count, count, count, count, count, count, count, count, count, count, count, count, count, count, count, count, count, count, count, count, count, ... ... Forms of words

Books

• Jew - who is he? National and Religious Definition of Jewry in the Precedents of Ordinances The question of who is a Jew is not so simple. In Judaism, one can become a Jew by converting to Judaism, and the nationality of children in mixed marriages is determined by the mother, not the father. Does it remain... Category: Anthropology. Ethnography Series: History Publisher: Bridges of Culture,
• Black Shooter 2, Alexander Mazin, The sniper's bullet that cut off the wedding ceremony radically changed the alignment in the glorious city of Shirgorod. Alexey Shelekhov and his team - new strength, which now everyone will have to reckon with. ... Category:

Are you in the habit of constantly worrying about what might be thought of you? Sometimes this anxiety develops into fear and painful dependence on someone else's assessment? You can't get someone else's unfriendly comment addressed to you out of your head? I have good news for you. There is a simple technique that will allow you to quickly don't care what others think of you.

No, this does not mean to turn into a beast who does not take into account the opinions of others and does what he wants. This means eliminating unnecessary and unnecessary worry about the unfavorable evaluation of others, which, believe me, any person in life has to deal with.

In this article, I will not offer 35 miraculous ways to stop worrying about someone else's opinion, which you will forget after 10 minutes after reading. I will not tell you that you do not always control the opinions of others about your person. I will not write whole paragraphs about how other people's impression of you can be biased, prone to instant addictions. I am not going to convince you that most people are fixated on themselves, and they often do not care about you. Some of these tips are too obvious, despite being true, while others have been repeatedly sorted out in my articles, for example,.

"100 tips from psychologists that you read in books are ineffective in cases of social stress."

Many people already know that you need to strive to be yourself, scoring what others think. They are well aware that other people can think whatever they want, projecting into external world their personal complexes and fears, evaluating everyone through their cloudy prism. Nevertheless, all this knowledge is broken on the first acts social interaction: business meeting, friendly party - whatever. “Suddenly I’m an uninteresting companion?”, “And if she decided that I was stupid?”, “Probably everyone thought that I was a boring bore”. 100 tips from psychologists that you read in books are ineffective in cases of social stress.

Therefore, in this article, without further ado, I will give everything one simple technique, which you can immediately try out to stop worrying about the opinion of another person. You can apply it any time you encounter social anxiety. For some, this technique will help to overcome it. And someone, thanks to her, will learn a lot about himself, resolve his long-standing fears and contradictions, learn to accept himself as he is. This is pure practice, not theory. And it will take you a little longer than it takes to accumulate saliva in your mouth and spit.

Description of technology

So so. Let's imagine a standard scenario for the emergence of anxiety because of the opinions of others. In a conversation with that pretty girl, you were hesitant and worried, not interested in her fascinating conversations and smart reasoning. And now you worry that she might think that you are a bore, and have an idea only about banal things.

What do most people do in such a situation? Act intuitively, which in fact does not lead to any result. They meticulously sort through all the events and dialogues in their heads, trying to remember those moments when they appeared in a favorable light in front of others: “Perhaps not everything is so bad, and I managed to seem smart and educated?” But this tactic fails from the start. All these endless arguments with myself, attempts at self-soothing only increase anxiety. And to get rid of it, you have to do something just the opposite of that.

So, allocate at least five minutes of free time. Try it right now. Get your thoughts in order. You can take several full and slow breaths in and out. Or a couple of minutes.

And after that, do what you least want to do: imagine in your mind that the person whose opinion you are worried about has already thought the worst of you. Moreover, imagine it as if it really happened.

“She already decided that I was a complete dumbass”, “They all realized that I was absolutely not an interesting and boring conversationalist.” Here it is important not to feel sorry for yourself, bring it to the very extreme: "These people now think I'm just a fucking idiot."

Here you probably read and were horrified. Many of you have decided that this is the worst advice you can give a person in this situation. And so self-esteem “lames”, and we finish it even further, trampling it deep into the mud. But no, friends, do not rush to close the article, now I will explain why and how it works.
Please, strain your attention a little and follow the train of thought. The information will be a little revealing, but I don't want to lose you.

The swan song of our conceit

Where does this mournful song of offended conceit come from? The superficial observer will say: "This anxiety appears when our expectations of how we should look in the representation of other people (what Freud called the Super-I, representations of the "ideal self") do not correspond to reality."

My answer to such a superficial observer is: “Well, I see you are very smart, but you have not considered one simple thing: this anxiety arises if our expectations of what we should be do not correspond to our ideas about the opinions of other people. And this opinion is again based on their personal subjective ideas about us.”

Everyone understands so well that the thoughts of other people about us do not always correspond to reality. But our idea of ​​their opinion also does not correspond to what they really think. And their idea of ​​us, in turn, also does not correspond to reality!

Probably already confused. But now I will explain.

It turns out that anxiety because of the opinions of others is the mismatch of one illusion (Super-I, the illusion of the “idealized self” with the image in society that we are trying to create) another illusion, which is based on another illusion! And in short, friends, what the hell is that! Illusion on illusion and illusion drives!

We have imagined ourselves how we should look in the eyes of other people and are upset when it seems to us that others refuse to believe in our personal fantasies!

Moreover, this heap of illusions gives rise to a very real anxiety, because of which people choose professions they don’t like, communicate with people they don’t like, live a life that they don’t like! The scale of this disaster is colossal. And all because of some kind of illusion, moreover, an illusion in a cube!

The exercise I taught you is not meant to drown you in self-criticism. His task is to destroy in one fell swoop this house of cards of anxiety that you have erected in your mind. It is like cold water that is poured on your head and wakes you up. I called this technique "lightning" because like an instant bright flash it disperses the darkness of illusion, like a lightning bolt strikes at the very heart of your anxiety.

All this great advice about being yourself, that other people's opinion of you is concentrated only in their head and is only their own business, cease to be some kind of theory for you. They become pure experience, a direct experience of the heart, not of the mind!

And how does it work?

One of my biggest discoveries in dealing with fears and anxiety is the fact that we are usually afraid of some probabilistic event that may or may not have happened. Usually such experiences begin with the words: “What if?” But when we perceive an event as something that has already happened with 100% probability, . Because our consciousness goes from the mode of fantasizing about a non-existent phenomenon (or existing only potentially) to the mode of constructive planning of actions about what actually happened. “It already happened, what am I going to do about it?” This, you see, sets in a constructive way.

And when you reluctantly decide that some people have already thought the worst of you, you begin to think of it as a fulfilled phenomenon: “What next?”

You notice that as soon as you coldly accept this fact, everything appeared in a completely different light! You observe that your reaction to this bitter thought was not as terrible as you initially imagined it to be. “Well, we thought and thought, so what next?” You are speaking more calmly.

The fear and anxiety that you experienced just a couple of minutes ago may seem ridiculous from the height of the exaggerated extreme that you consciously created in your mind. You did not feel sorry for yourself, trying to soften the tone, but immediately lashed out: "Yeah, she 100% thought I was just a complete jerk". This technique immediately shows that others think of you is not at all the same as you think of yourself ( “Of course I don’t consider myself a complete jerk.”).

(Painful dependence on someone else's opinion occurs, among other things, from the fact that we begin to identify what we think of ourselves with what we are to ourselves. We, as Nietzsche used to say, are trying to convince people that we are good, smart, noble, so that later we ourselves will believe in this opinion! Therefore, when others think badly of us, it may seem to us that we are really bad. The trick I described above helps us sharply separate the two. It is like a hammer that breaks an illusory identity.)

Moreover, this approach helps to immediately see the obvious limited subjectivity of someone else's assessment of your person. Let's say you admit that someone could think the most terrible things about you, for example, that you are the meanest and meanest person in the world and deserve Hellfire. But you understand: no matter how terrible other people's thoughts about you, it's just someone else's thoughts, the fantasy of others. Yes, this is understandable. But thanks to this exercise, you understand it in a deep, emotional level, at a level that allows you to make this truth your experience and practice.

Yes, someone thought terrible things about you.

So what? Indeed, so what? You never know what people think of you! You can't please everyone! That's right, you can't please everyone. But only now your mind is ready to absorb this truth like a sponge and dissolve it in itself.

Self esteem is nonsense

The goal and objective of this approach is neither self-deprecation nor self-praise. Its goal is to learn to accept what is. I've always been a bit stumped by the question

Much more important questions for me are "how to become better" and. Each of us is a person with a set of advantages and disadvantages. We can remove some shortcomings, and develop some advantages. With other qualities, alas, we can do nothing, it remains to accept it. What does it have to do with how we evaluate ourselves? We are who we are. And a person who does not know how to accept himself must learn this, that's all. His self-esteem has nothing to do with it.

Self-esteem can become the lever that other people press to control you through criticism or flattery. It can become that thorn that causes burning shame and nervous anxiety about the opinions of others.

The exercise in this article teaches you to accept yourself. Why? Because mentally you have already admitted the worst that a person could think of you. Therefore, you can easily accept something that is not so terrible, but more realistic. "That person thought of me that I was very boring." Either it's true, or it's not true, or a mix of both. More often than not, it's both. “Yes, of course, I’m not the most boring person. There are people who are not bored with me. But I must admit that I do not have the skill to communicate on topics that are not interesting to me. So what? Great tragedy? I think people in their lives face where big problems than understanding their inability to participate in secular conversations.

Self-criticism and self-praise deprive you of the possibility of any maneuver. You either fixate on biting yourself or revel in your social brilliance. Do not want to do anything. But acceptance opens up space for action, oddly enough. Let's say you've accepted the idea that you're not the most brilliant conversationalist. What's next? Further, you can either develop communication skills if they are important to you, or score on them if they are not important. What's the point of worrying.

“We can stubbornly seek the respect and friendship of those people who do not play and are not able to play any role in our lives.”

Often in the pursuit of other people's recognition, we forget what is really important to us. We can stubbornly seek the respect and friendship of those people who do not play and are not able to play any role in our lives. Why are we doing this? Sometimes for the notorious inflation of self-esteem. Sometimes the pursuit of universal admiration for us becomes a kind of competition, the victory in which should remind us of our dignity and brilliance. And sometimes we just do it out of inertia: once we started to achieve someone's friendship, we continue to do it, despite all the failures.

But once we finally achieve this, we cease to appreciate it, although sudden failures on the social front, acts of someone else's disapproving attitude can still greatly demoralize us. We stop cherishing the love and respect of those people who appreciate us for who we are, whose location we do not need to seek with all our might: our close friends, relatives, while desperately striving for a benevolent assessment of some random colleagues at work.

This magical exercise allows you to stop and ask yourself: “Hey wait, is this opinion really that important to me?”

But what if it turned out to be really important? Does a person who is very important to you not reciprocate your affection for him, your claims of friendship with him? If it really upsets you, then it's completely normal. We are human and tend to get upset about these things. Accept this pain with all your heart with gratitude, because it will make you stronger. Do not try to deny it and drive away from yourself. Let her be. Carry it with you for a while if you have to. But not mournfully lowering his head, but solemnly and proudly - like a banner, like a noble badge of distinction. And then she will pass. After all, everything passes. There will undoubtedly be people who will disappoint you painfully, you can’t get away from this. But let such people be as few as possible in your life.