Grief is a reaction to the loss of a loved one after an irretrievable separation from him or his death*. Perhaps the psychological meaning of grief is to express the love that a bereaved person feels for a deceased or lost loved one. Grief is also a process during which a person experiences the pain of loss, says goodbye to the departed, learns to keep the memory of him and at the same time live in the present. The process of experiencing grief can be roughly divided into several stages, which are considered common for those who have suffered a loss, although people's reactions are individual and everyone experiences grief in their own way. In addition, the process of experience is cyclical, that is, it consists of many painful returns to earlier stages. Nevertheless, knowledge of the signs characteristic of a particular stage of experiencing grief, and understanding their psychological meaning, make it possible to help a suffering person.

The initial stage of grief is shock and numbness. The shock of the loss and the refusal to believe in the reality of what happened can last up to several weeks, on average 7-9 days. Physical state a person experiencing grief worsens: loss of appetite, sexual desire, muscle weakness, slow reactions are common. What is happening is experienced as unreal. A person in shock may be doing something really necessary to organize a funeral, or their activity may be erratic. There is also complete detachment from what is happening, inactivity. Feelings about what happened are almost not expressed; a person in a state of shock may appear indifferent to everything.

It is assumed that the complex of shock reactions is associated with the work of psychological defense mechanisms: the denial of the fact or significance of death protects the bereaved from a sharp confrontation with the horror of what happened. A person is focused on some minor worries and events that are not related to the loss, or he psychologically remains in the past, denying reality; in this case, he gives the impression of being deafened or sleepy: he almost does not react to external stimuli or repeats any actions.

Often the shock reaction is replaced by a feeling of anger. According to F. Vasilyuk*, anger arises as a specific emotional reaction to an obstacle in satisfying a need, in this case, the need to stay in the past with the deceased. Any external stimulus that brings a person back to the present can provoke this feeling. According to Tomkins *, continuous suffering in itself raises the threshold of angry reaction, and anger reduces suffering. Sometimes a person feels intense anger towards the deceased**. For example, a young woman whose husband died in a mine, a few days after the funeral, felt strong resentment and anger at her husband for leaving them (her and the child). She accused him of not changing jobs, so he died. Anger mixed with despair, she wanted to break, destroy things, tear her clothes, literally bang her head against the wall from impotent rage at the thought that nothing could be changed, turned back. Anger also indicates the depth of the psychological trauma received.

The next stage of grief - the stage of search - is characterized by the desire to return the deceased and the denial of the irretrievability of the loss. It often seems to a bereaved person that he sees the deceased in the crowd on the street, hears his steps in the next room, etc. Since most people, even when experiencing very deep grief, remain in touch with reality, such illusions can frighten, cause thoughts about madness. On the other hand, faith in a miracle is strong, the hope of somehow returning the deceased does not disappear, and the mourner “meets” him or behaves as if he is about to appear.

The transition from the shock stage to the search stage is gradual; the features of the state and behavior characteristic of this stage can be seen on the 5-12th day after the news of death. Some of the effects of the shock may take a long time to manifest.

The third stage - the stage of acute grief - lasts up to 6-7 weeks from the moment of loss. Physical symptoms persist and may initially worsen: difficulty breathing, muscle weakness, physical fatigue even in the absence of real activity, increased exhaustion, feeling of emptiness in the stomach, chest tightness, coma in the throat, increased sensitivity to odors, decreased or unusual increase in appetite, sexual dysfunction, sleep disturbances.

During this period, a person experiences severe mental pain. Painful feelings and thoughts are characteristic: feelings of emptiness and meaninglessness, despair, feelings of abandonment, loneliness, anger, guilt, fear and anxiety, helplessness. A person experiencing a loss is absorbed in the image of the deceased, idealizes him. The experience of grief is the main content of all his activity. Grief affects relationships with others. They irritate the mourner, he seeks to retire. For example, a woman whose son died felt angry at her second son for “living a normal life,” and she herself was frightened by the power of this anger, blaming herself, not understanding her condition.

The stage of acute grief is considered critical in relation to the further experience of grief. A person gradually “leaves” the deceased and with pain experiences the actual distance of his image. Breaking the old connection with the deceased and creating an image of memory, an image of the past and connection with it - the main content of the "work of grief" in this period.

After 3-4 months, the cycle of "good and bad" days begins. Irritability increases and frustration tolerance decreases. Possible manifestations of verbal and physical aggression, the growth of somatic problems, especially colds and infectious nature, due to suppression of the immune system.

With the onset of the six-month period, depression sets in. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries are especially painful (“ New Year first time without him”, “spring for the first time without him”, “birthday”) or events Everyday life(“offended, there is no one to complain to”, “a letter addressed to him”).

The fourth stage of grief, the recovery stage, lasts about a year. During this period, recovery physiological functions, professional activity. A person gradually comes to terms with the fact of loss. He still experiences grief, but these experiences already acquire the character of separate attacks, at first frequent, then more and more rare. Of course, grief attacks can be very painful. A person already lives a normal life and suddenly returns to a state of longing, grief, feels a sense of the meaninglessness of his life without the departed. Often such attacks are associated with holidays, some memorable events, and, by the way, with any situations that may be associated with the deceased. The anniversary of death symbolically limits the period of grief. Many cultures and religions set aside exactly one year for mourning, because in a year we go through a certain life cycle, whose markers are traditional dates and events.

So, after about a year, the last stage of grief comes - the final one. The pain becomes more tolerable, and a person who has experienced the loss of a loved one gradually returns to his former life. During this period, there is an "emotional farewell" to the deceased, the realization that there is no need to fill the pain of loss all your life. From vocabulary the words "bereavement" and "grief" disappear. Life takes its toll. Some cultural norms and personal beliefs may make it difficult to end the grief experience (for example, the belief of a woman whose husband died in the war that she should be faithful to him and mourn for him until the end of her days). To create in memory the image of the deceased, to find meaning for him and a permanent place in the stream of life - this is the main goal of psychological work at this stage. And then a person who has suffered a loss will be able to love those who live next to him, create new meanings without rejecting those that were associated with the deceased: they will remain in the past.

1.1.2. Stages of bereavement

Let's move on to a detailed description of the dynamics of experiencing loss. Let us take as a basis the model of E. Kübler-Ross, which has become a classic, since the vast majority of other models are either repelled from it or have something in common with it. IN foreign literature an attempt was made to correlate its stages with the names of the stages of grief proposed by other authors. We will follow a similar path with the intention of presenting a unified picture of grief over time, drawing on the observations and opinions of various researchers.

1. Stage of shock and denial. In many cases, the news of the death of a loved one is akin to a strong blow that “stuns” the bereaved and puts him in a state of shock. The strength of the psychological impact of the loss and, accordingly, the depth of the shock depends on many factors, in particular, on the degree of surprise of what happened. However, even given all the circumstances of an event, it can be difficult to predict the reaction to it. It may be a scream, motor excitement, or, on the contrary, numbness. Sometimes people have enough objective reasons to expect the death of a relative, and enough time to realize the situation and prepare for a possible misfortune. Nevertheless, the death of a family member comes as a surprise to them.

The state of psychological shock is characterized by a lack of full contact with the outside world and with oneself, a person acts like an automaton. At times it seems to him that he sees everything that is happening to him now in a nightmare. At the same time, feelings in an incomprehensible way disappear, as if falling somewhere deeper. Such "indifference" may seem strange to the person who has suffered the loss, and the people around him often jar and are regarded by them as selfishness. In fact, this imaginary emotional coldness, as a rule, hides a deep shock at the loss and performs an adaptive function, protecting the individual from intolerable heartache.

At this stage, various physiological and behavioral disorders are not uncommon: impaired appetite and sleep, muscle weakness, inactivity or fussy activity. There is also a frozen expression on the face, inexpressive and slightly delayed speech.

The state of shock into which loss plunges a person at first also has its own dynamics. The stupor of loss-stricken people “may be broken from time to time by waves of suffering. During these periods of distress, which are often triggered by reminders of the deceased, they may feel agitated or powerless, sob, engage in aimless activity, or become preoccupied with thoughts or images related to the deceased. The rituals of mourning—the reception of friends, the preparations for the funeral, and the funeral itself—often structure this time for people. They are rarely alone. Sometimes the feeling of numbness persists, causing the person to feel as though he is mechanically going through the rituals. Therefore, for the bereaved, the days after the funeral often turn out to be the most difficult, when all the fuss associated with them is left behind, and the sudden emptiness that has come makes you feel the loss more acutely.

Simultaneously with the shock or after it, there may be a denial of what happened, many-sided in its manifestations. In a situation of loss loved one the relationship between shock and denial is somewhat different than in the situation of learning about a terminal illness. Because it is more obvious, the loss is more shocking and harder to deny. According to F.E. Vasilyuk, at this stage we are “not dealing with the denial of the fact that ‘he (the deceased) is not here’, but with the denial of the fact that ‘I (the mourner) is here’. A tragic event that has not happened is not admitted into the present, and it itself does not allow the present into the past.

In its purest form, the denial of the death of a loved one, when a person cannot believe that such a misfortune could happen, and it seems to him that “all this is not true”, is typical for cases of unexpected loss, especially if the body of the deceased is not found. “It is normal for survivors to struggle with the feelings of denial that arise in response to an accidental death if there is no sense of completion. These feelings may last for days or weeks and may even be accompanied by a sense of hope. If a loved one has died in a disaster, natural disaster, or terrorist attack, “in the early stages of grief, the living may cling to the belief that their loved ones will be saved, even if the rescue efforts have already been completed. Or they may believe that the lost loved one is somewhere unconscious and unable to contact” (ibid.).

If the loss is too overwhelming, the resulting shock and denial of what happened sometimes take on paradoxical forms that make others doubt the person’s mental health. However, this is not necessarily an insanity. Most likely, the human psyche is simply unable to withstand the blow and seeks to isolate itself from the terrible reality for some time, creating an illusory world.

A case from one's life

A young woman died during childbirth, and her baby also died. The mother of the deceased woman in labor suffered a double loss: she lost both her daughter and her grandson, whose birth she was looking forward to. Soon, her neighbors began to observe a strange picture every day: an elderly woman walking down the street with an empty stroller. Thinking that she had "lost her mind", they approached her and asked to see the baby, but she did not want to show it. Despite the fact that outwardly the woman's behavior looked inadequate, in this case we cannot unambiguously speak of mental illness. Of course, it can be assumed that there was a reactive psychosis. However, sticking this label in itself does little to advance us in understanding the state of a grieving mother and at the same time a failed grandmother. The important thing is that at first she was probably not able to fully face the reality that destroyed all her hopes, and tried to soften the blow by illusoryly living through the desired but unfulfilled scenario. After some time, the woman stopped appearing on the street with a stroller.

In the case of a natural and relatively predictable death, explicit denial, such as disbelief that such a thing could happen, is not common. This led R. Friedman and J. W. James to doubt at all that the process of grief should begin to be considered in denial. However, here, apparently, the whole point is in a terminological inconsistency. From the point of view of the terminology of psychological defenses, when speaking of a reaction to death, instead of the word "denial" in most cases it would be more correct to use the term "isolation", meaning "a defense mechanism by which the subject isolates a certain event, preventing it from becoming part of continuum of experience that is meaningful to him.” Nevertheless, the expression "death denial" is already firmly rooted in the psychological literature. Therefore, on the one hand, one has to put up with it, on the other hand, it should be understood not literally, but more broadly, extending it to cases when a person is mentally aware of the loss that has occurred, but continues to live as before, as if nothing had happened. In addition, as a manifestation of denial, one can consider the mismatch between the conscious and unconscious attitude to loss, when a person who consciously acknowledges the fact of the death of a loved one, in the depths of his soul cannot come to terms with it, and at an unconscious level continues to cling to the deceased, as if denying the fact his demise. There are various variants of such mismatch.

Setting for a meeting: a person catches himself waiting for the arrival of the deceased at the usual time, that he is looking for him with his eyes in a crowd of people or takes some other person for him. For a moment, hope flashes in my chest, but in the next seconds, the cruel reality brings disappointment.

Illusion of presence: it seems to a person that he hears the voice of the deceased; in some cases (optional).

Continuation of communication: talking with the deceased, as if he were near (or with his photograph), "slipping" into the past and re-living the events associated with it. An absolutely normal phenomenon is communication with the deceased in a dream.

“Forgetting” the loss: when planning the future, a person involuntarily counts on the deceased, and in everyday everyday situations, out of habit, proceeds from the fact that he is present nearby (for example, an extra cutlery is now placed on the table).

The cult of the deceased: keeping intact the room and belongings of the deceased relative, as if ready for the return of the owner.

A case from one's life

An elderly woman lost her husband, with whom they lived a long life together. Her grief was so great that at first it turned out to be an unbearable burden for her. Unable to bear the separation, she hung his photographs on all the walls of their bedroom, and also lined the room with her husband's things and especially his memorable gifts. As a result, the room turned into a kind of "museum of the deceased", in which his widow lived. With such actions, the woman shocked her children and grandchildren, catching them in melancholy and horror. They tried to persuade her to remove at least some things, but at first they were unsuccessful.

However, it soon became painful for her to be in such an environment, and in several steps she reduced the number of “exhibits”, so that in the end only one photograph and a couple of things especially dear to her heart remained in sight.

A metaphorically vivid and extremely pointed example of denying the death of a loved one is presented to us by the oriental parable "The Glass Sarcophagus", told by N. Pezeshkyan.

“An eastern king had a wife of wondrous beauty, whom he loved more than anything in the world. Her beauty illuminated the radiance of his life. When he was free from business, he wanted only one thing - to be with her. And suddenly the wife died and left the king in deep sadness. “For no reason and never,” he exclaimed, “I will not part with my beloved young wife, even if death has made her lovely features lifeless!” He ordered a glass sarcophagus with her body to be placed on a dais in the largest hall of the palace. He put his bed next to him so as not to part with his beloved for a minute. Being next to his dead wife, he found his only solace and peace.

But the summer was hot, and despite the coolness in the chambers of the palace, the wife's body began to gradually decompose. Disgusting spots appeared on the beautiful forehead of the deceased. Her marvelous face began to change color and swell from day to day. The king, filled with love, did not notice this. Soon the sweet smell of decay filled the entire hall, and none of the servants dared to enter there without plugging their noses. The upset king himself moved his bed to the next room. Despite the fact that all the windows were wide open, the smell of decay haunted him. Even rose balm didn't help. Finally, he tied a green scarf around his nose, a sign of his royal dignity. But nothing helped. All the servants and friends left him. Only huge shiny black flies buzzed around. The king lost consciousness, and the doctor ordered to be transferred to a large palace garden. When the king came to his senses, he felt a fresh breath of wind, the aroma of roses delighted him, and the murmur of fountains delighted his ears. It seemed to him that his great love was still alive. A few days later, life and health returned to the king. He looked for a long time, thinking, at a cup of roses and suddenly remembered how beautiful his wife was when she was alive, and how disgusting her corpse became day by day. He plucked a rose, placed it on the sarcophagus, and ordered the servants to bury the body in the earth."

Anyone who reads this story will probably find it fabulous. However, even in its specific content, it is not so far from reality, where similar episodes are also found (to take at least the previous case from life), only not in such a hypertrophied form. In addition, we will not limit ourselves to a literal understanding of history. In essence, it tells about the natural tendency for mourners to cling to the image of the deceased, about its sometimes unhealthy consequences and the need to recognize the loss in order to continue to live a fulfilling life. The king from the parable nevertheless admitted that his beloved had irretrievably ended her earthly existence, moreover, he accepted this fact and returned to life. In reality, from the recognition of loss often lies a long way through suffering to the heartfelt acceptance of separation from a loved one and the continuation of life without him.

Denial and disbelief as a reaction to the death of a loved one is overcome over time as the bereaved person realizes the reality of what happened and gains the spiritual strength to face the feelings caused by this event. Then comes the next stage of grief.

2. Stage of anger and resentment. After the fact of loss begins to be recognized, the absence of the deceased is felt more and more acutely. The thoughts of the mourner revolve more and more around the misfortune that has befallen him. Again and again, the circumstances of the death of a loved one and the events that preceded it are scrolled in the mind. The more a person thinks about what happened, the more questions arise. Yes, the loss has occurred, but the person is not yet ready to come to terms with it. He tries to comprehend with his mind what happened, to find the reasons for it, he has a lot of different “whys”:

Why did he have to die? Why exactly him?

Why (why) did such a misfortune fall on us?

Why did God let him die?

Why were things so unfortunate?

Why couldn't the doctors save him?

Why didn't mom keep him at home?

Why did his friends leave him alone to bathe?

Why does the government not care about the safety of citizens?

Why didn't he put on his seatbelt?

Why didn't I insist that he go to the hospital?

Why him and not me?

There can be many questions, and they pop up in the mind many times. S. Saindon suggests that when asking why he/she needed to die, the mourner does not expect an answer, but feels the need to ask again. "The question itself is a cry of pain".

At the same time, as can be seen from the above list, there are questions that establish the "guilty" or, at least, involved in the misfortune that happened. Along with the emergence of such questions, resentment and anger arise against those who directly or indirectly contributed to the death of a loved one or did not prevent it. At the same time, accusation and anger can be directed at fate, at God, at people: doctors, relatives, friends, colleagues of the deceased, at society as a whole, at murderers (or people directly responsible for the death of a loved one). It is noteworthy that the "judgment" made by the grieving is more emotional than rational (and sometimes clearly irrational), therefore sometimes leads to unreasonable and even unfair verdicts. Anger, accusations and reproaches can be addressed to people not only not guilty of what happened, but even trying to help the now deceased.

A case from one's life

In the surgical department, two weeks after the operation, an old man died at the age of 82. In the postoperative period, his wife actively looked after him. She came every morning and evening, made him eat, take medicine, sit down, get up (on the advice of doctors).

The patient's condition almost did not improve, and one night a perforated stomach ulcer opened in him. The neighbors in the ward called the doctor on duty, but the old man could not be saved. A few days later, after the funeral, the wife of the deceased came to the ward for his things, and her first words were: “Why didn’t you save my grandfather?” To this, everyone tactfully kept silent and even asked her sympathetically about something. The woman did not answer very willingly, and before leaving she asked again: “Why didn’t you save my grandfather?” Here one of the patients could not resist and tried to politely object to her: “What could we do? We called the doctor." But she just shook her head and left.

The complex of negative experiences encountered at this stage, including indignation, anger, irritation, resentment, envy, and, possibly, a desire for revenge, can complicate the communication of the grieving person with other people: with relatives and friends, with officials and authorities.

S. Mildner makes some significant observations about the anger experienced by a person experiencing a loss:

This reaction usually takes place when the individual feels helpless and powerless.

After an individual admits his anger, guilt may appear due to the expression of negative feelings.

These feelings are natural and must be respected if grief is to be endured.

For a comprehensive understanding of the experience of anger that occurs in those who have suffered a loss, it is important to keep in mind that one of its causes may be a protest against mortality as such, including one's own. A deceased loved one, unwillingly, makes other people remember that they, too, will have to die sometime. The sense of one's own mortality, which becomes actualized in this case, can cause irrational indignation with the existing order of things, and the psychological roots of this indignation often remain hidden from the subject.

Surprising as it may seem at first glance, the reaction of anger can also be directed at the deceased: for leaving and causing suffering; for not writing a will; left behind a bunch of problems, including material ones; for making a mistake and not being able to escape death. Thus, according to American experts, some people blamed their loved ones, who became victims of the terrorist attack on September 11, 2001, for not leaving the office quickly. For the most part, the thoughts and feelings of an accusatory nature in relation to the deceased are irrational, obvious to a third-party look, and sometimes realized by the grieving person himself. With his mind, he understands that it is impossible (and “bad”) to blame for death, that a person does not always have the ability to control circumstances and prevent trouble, and, nevertheless, in his soul he is annoyed at the deceased. Sometimes anger is not expressed explicitly (and perhaps not fully realized), but it manifests itself indirectly, for example, in handling the things of the deceased, which in some cases are simply thrown away.

Finally, the anger of a bereaved person can be directed at himself. He can scold himself again for all sorts of mistakes (real and imaginary), for not being able to save, not saving, etc. Such experiences are quite common, and what we say about them at the end of the story about the stage of anger , is explained by their transitional meaning: they have under them a feeling of guilt, which already belongs to the next stage.

3. Stage of guilt and obsessions. Just as many dying people go through a period when they try to be exemplary patients and promise to lead a good life if they recover, so something similar can happen to those who are grieving in their souls, only in the past tense and on a fantasy level. A person suffering from remorse over the fact that he was unfair to the deceased or did not prevent his death, can convince himself that if only it were possible to turn back time and return everything back, then he would certainly behave in the same way. to another. At the same time, it can be repeatedly played in the imagination, as if everything were then. Tormented by reproaches of conscience, some bereaved ones cry out to God: “Lord, if You would only bring him back, I would never quarrel with him again,” which again sounds like a desire and a promise to fix everything.

Loss sufferers often torture themselves with numerous "if" or "what if", which sometimes become obsessive:

"If I only knew..."

"If only I had stayed..."

“If I had called earlier…”

“If I had called an ambulance…”

“What if I didn’t let her go to work that day…?”

“What if I called and told her to leave the office…?”

“What if he flew on the next plane? ..” Such phenomena are a completely natural reaction to loss. The work of grief also finds its expression in them, albeit in a compromise form that softens the severity of the loss. We can say that here acceptance is struggling with denial.

Unlike the endless “whys” of the previous stage, these questions and fantasies are directed primarily at oneself and relate to what a person could do to save his loved one. They, as a rule, are the product of two internal causes.

1. First internal source It is the desire to control the events that take place in life. And since a person is not able to fully foresee the future and he cannot control everything that happens around him, his thoughts about a possible change in what happened are often uncritical and unrealistic. They relate, in their essence, not so much to a rational analysis of the situation as to the experience of loss and helplessness.

2. Another, even more powerful source of thoughts and fantasies about alternative developments is guilt.

It is probably not a big exaggeration to say that almost everyone who has lost a person significant to him in one form or another, to a greater or lesser extent, clearly or in the depths of his soul feels guilty towards the deceased. What do people who have suffered a loss blame themselves for?

For not preventing the departure of a loved one from life;

For the fact that, voluntarily or involuntarily, directly or indirectly contributed to the death of a loved one;

For cases when they were wrong in relation to the deceased;

For the fact that they treated him badly (offended, annoyed, cheated on, etc.);

For not doing something for the deceased: not caring enough, appreciating, helping, not talking about their love for him, not asking for forgiveness, etc.

All of these forms of self-accusation can give rise to a desire to return everything back and fantasize how things could have turned out differently - in a happy, and not in a tragic direction. Moreover, those who mourn in many cases do not adequately understand the situation: they overestimate their capabilities in terms of preventing loss and exaggerate the degree of their own involvement in the death of someone they care about. Sometimes this is facilitated by "magical thinking", which is clearly observed in children and can reappear already in adulthood in a critical situation in a person "knocked out of the saddle" by the death of a loved one. For example, if a person sometimes regretted in his soul that he connected his life with his spouse, and thought: “If only he disappeared somewhere!” Then later, if the spouse suddenly really dies, it may seem to him that his thoughts and desires "materialized", and then he will blame himself for what happened. The grieving person may also consider that his bad attitude towards a relative (nitpicking, discontent, rudeness, etc.) provoked his illness and subsequent death. At the same time, a person sometimes punishes himself for the slightest misconduct. And if he still happens to hear from someone a reproach like “it was you who drove him to the grave,” then the severity of guilt increases.

In addition to already listed varieties guilt over the death of a loved one, differing in content and causality, you can add three more forms of this feeling, which A. D. Wolfelt calls. He not only designates them, but also, addressing the grieving, helps to accept his experiences.

Survivor guilt is the feeling that you should have died instead of your loved one.

Relief guilt is the guilt associated with feeling relieved that your loved one has died. Relief is natural and expected, especially if your loved one suffered before death.

The guilt of joy is guilt over the feeling of happiness that reappears after a loved one has died. Joy is a natural and healthy experience in life. This is a sign that we live a full life, and we should try to return it.

Among the three types of guilt listed, the first two usually arise shortly after the death of a loved one, while the last one occurs in the later stages of the experience of loss. D. Myers notes another kind of guilt that appears some time after the loss. It is connected with the fact that in the mind of the grieving, the memories and the image of the deceased gradually become less clear. “Some people may worry that this indicates that the deceased was not particularly loved by them, and they may feel guilty about not being able to always remember what their loved one looked like.”

So far, we've discussed guilt, which is a normal, predictable, and transient response to loss. At the same time, it often happens that this reaction is delayed, acquiring a long-term or even chronic form. In some cases, this variant of the experience of loss definitely indicates ill health, but one should not rush to write down any persistent feeling of guilt towards the deceased in the category of pathology. The fact is that long-term guilt is different: existential and neurotic.

Existential guilt is caused by real mistakes, when a person really (relatively speaking, objectively) did something “wrong” in relation to the deceased or, on the contrary, did not do something important for him. Such guilt, even if it persists for a long time, is absolutely normal, healthy and testifies, rather, to the moral maturity of a person than to the fact that everything is not all right with him.

Neurotic guilt is “hung” from the outside - by the deceased himself, when he was still alive (“You will drive me into a coffin with your swine behavior”), or by those around him (“Well, are you satisfied? Did you live him out of the world?”) - and then introjected by a person . Suitable soil for its formation is created by dependent or manipulative relationships with the deceased, as well as chronic guilt, which was formed even before the death of a loved one, and only increased after it.

The idealization of the deceased can contribute to the increase and preservation of feelings of guilt. Any close human relationship is not complete without disagreements, turmoil and conflicts, since we are all different people, each with our own weaknesses, which inevitably manifest themselves in long-term communication. However, if the deceased loved one is idealized, then in the mind of the grieving person, his own shortcomings are hypertrophied, and the shortcomings of the deceased are ignored. The feeling of one's filthiness and "nothing worthless" against the background of the idealized image of the deceased serves as a source of guilt and aggravates the suffering of the mourner.

4. Stage of suffering and depression. The fact that in the sequence of stages of grief suffering is in fourth place does not mean that at first it is not there, and then it suddenly appears. The point is that at a certain stage, suffering reaches its peak and overshadows all other experiences.

This is a period of maximum mental pain, which sometimes seems unbearable. The death of a loved one leaves a deep wound in the heart of a person and causes severe torment, felt even at the physical level. The suffering experienced by the bereaved is not permanent, but tends to come in waves. Periodically, it subsides a little and, as it were, gives a person a respite, only to soon flood again.

The suffering in the process of experiencing loss is often accompanied by crying. Tears can come at any recollection of the deceased, about the past life together and the circumstances of his death. Some mourners become especially sensitive and ready to cry at any moment. The feeling of loneliness, abandonment and self-pity can also become a reason for tears. At the same time, longing for the deceased does not necessarily manifest itself in crying, suffering can be driven deep inside and find expression in depression.

It should be noted that the process of experiencing deep grief almost always carries elements of depression, sometimes forming a clearly recognizable clinical picture. The person may feel helpless, lost, worthless, devastated. The general condition is often characterized by depression, apathy and hopelessness. Grieving for all that lives mainly in memories, nevertheless understands that the past cannot be returned. The present seems to him terrible and unbearable, and the future is unthinkable without the deceased and, as it were, non-existent. The goals and meaning of life are lost, sometimes to the point that it seems to a person shocked by the loss that life is now over.

Separation from friends, family, avoidance of social activity;

Lack of energy, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, inability to concentrate;

Unexpected bouts of crying;

Alcohol or drug abuse;

Sleep and appetite disturbances, weight loss or gain;

Chronic pain, health problems.

Although the pain of bereavement can sometimes be unbearable, mourners may cling to it (usually unconsciously) as an opportunity to connect with the deceased and testify their love for them. The internal logic in this case is something like this: to stop grieving means to calm down, to calm down means to forget, to forget means to betray. And as a result, a person continues to suffer, in order to thereby maintain loyalty to the deceased and a spiritual connection with him. Love for the departed loved one, understood in this way, can become a serious obstacle to accepting the loss.

In addition to the indicated non-constructive logic, the completion of the work of grief can also be hampered by some cultural barriers, as F. E. Vasilyuk writes about. An example of this phenomenon is "the notion that the duration of grief is the measure of our love for the deceased". Such obstacles can probably arise both from within (having been assimilated in due time) and from without. For example, if a person feels that his family expects him to mourn for a long time, he may continue to grieve to confirm his love for the deceased.

5. Stage of acceptance and reorganization. No matter how hard and long the grief, in the end, as a rule, a person comes to an emotional acceptance of the loss, which is accompanied by a weakening or transformation of the soul connection with the deceased. At the same time, the connection of times is restored: if before that the grieving person lived mostly in the past and did not want (was not ready) to accept the changes that had taken place in his life, now he is gradually regaining the ability to fully live in the present reality around him and look to the future with hope.

A person restores social ties lost for a while and makes new ones. Interest in significant activities returns, new points of application of one's strengths and abilities open up. In other words, life returns in his eyes the value that was lost, and often new meanings are also revealed. Having accepted life without a deceased loved one, a person gains the ability to plan his own further fate already without him. Existing plans for the future are being rebuilt, new goals are emerging. This is how life is reorganized.

These changes, of course, do not mean the oblivion of the deceased. It simply occupies a certain place in a person's heart and ceases to be the focus of his life. At the same time, the survivor of the loss, of course, continues to remember the deceased and even draws strength, finds support in his memory. In the soul of a person, instead of intense grief, a quiet sadness remains, which can be replaced by a light, bright sadness. As J. Garlock writes, "loss is still part of people's lives, but does not dictate their actions" .

The attitude towards the deceased loved one and the fact of his death, which is formed after the acceptance of the loss has occurred, can be conditionally expressed in approximately the following words on behalf of the survivor of grief:

"We had a lot of interesting things with him, but I'm going to have a good time the rest of my life, because I know that this is what he would like for me."

“Grandma was such an important part of my life. I'm so glad I had the time to get to know her."

We emphasize again that in real life grief flows very individually, albeit in line with some general trend. And just as individually, each in its own way, we come to accept the loss.

case from practice

As an illustration of the process of experiencing loss and the resulting acceptance, let us cite the story of L., who turned for psychological help regarding the experiences associated with the death of her father. It cannot be said that all the above stages of grief are clearly traced in it (which happens only on paper in its pure form), but there is a certain dynamics. For L., the loss of his father was a doubly heavy blow, because it was not just death, but suicide. The first reaction of the girl to this tragic event was, according to her, horror. Probably, the first shock stage was expressed in this way, which is evidenced by the absence of any other feelings at the beginning. But later other feelings appeared. First came anger and resentment at the father: “How could he do this to us?”, Which corresponds to the second stage of experiencing the loss. Then the anger was replaced by "relief that he is no more," which naturally led to the emergence of feelings of guilt and shame, and thus the transition to the third stage of grief. In the experience of L. this phase was perhaps the most difficult and dramatic - it dragged on for years. The matter was aggravated not only by the morally unacceptable feelings of anger and relief for L. associated with the loss of his father, but also by the tragic circumstances of his death and past life together. She blamed herself for quarreling with her father, shunned him, did not love and respect him enough, did not support him in difficult times. All these omissions and mistakes of the past gave the wine an existential and, accordingly, sustainable character. In the future, to the already excruciating feeling of guilt, suffering was added about the irretrievably lost opportunity to communicate with his father, to get to know and understand him better as a person. It took L. quite a long time to accept the loss, but it turned out to be even more difficult to accept the feelings associated with it. Nevertheless, in the course of the conversation, L., independently and unexpectedly for herself, came to understand the “normality” of her feelings of guilt and shame and that she has no moral right to wish that they were not. It is remarkable that the acceptance of his feelings helped L. to come to terms not only with the past, but also with himself, change his attitude towards the present and future life. She was able to feel the value of herself and the living moment of the current life. It is in this that a full-fledged experience of grief and a genuine acceptance of the loss and the feelings caused by it are manifested: a person does not just “come back to life”, but at the same time he himself changes internally, enters a different stage and, perhaps, more high level of his earthly existence, begins to live in something new life.

The work of grief, which has entered the stage of completion, can lead to different results. One option is the consolation that comes to people whose relatives have died long and hard. "In the course of severe and incurable disease, which is accompanied by suffering, the death of the patient is usually presented as a present gift from God. Other, more universal options are humility and acceptance, which, according to R. Moody and D. Arcangel, must be distinguished from each other. “Most bereaved,” they write, “are more resigned than accepting. Passive humility sends a signal: This is the end, nothing can be done. …On the other hand, accepting what happened makes it easier, pacifies and ennobles our existence. Here, concepts such as: This is not the end; it's just the end of the current order of things."

According to Moody and Arcangel, acceptance is more likely to come to people who believe in reunion with their loved ones after death. In this case, we touch upon the question of the influence of religiosity on the experience of loss. In Russian literature, one can come across the idea that, as a rule, an unbeliever passes through the “stages of dying” described by E. Kübler-Ross, and for believers, another option is possible, the development of internal changes. In addition, according to foreign studies, religious people are less afraid of death, which means they treat it more acceptingly. Accordingly, in this situation, it can be assumed that religious people experience grief a little differently than atheists, go through these stages more easily (perhaps not all of them and to a less pronounced degree), console themselves faster, accept the loss and look to the future with faith and hope.

Of course, the death of a loved one is the most difficult event, associated with many sufferings. But at the same time, it also contains positive possibilities. Just as gold is tempered and refined in fire, so a person, having gone through grief, can become better. The path to this, as a rule, lies through the acceptance of loss. R. Moody and D. Arcangel describe the many valuable changes that can happen in the life of a bereaved person:

Losses make us appreciate the departed loved ones more, and also teach us to appreciate the remaining loved ones and life in general.

After a loss, we reveal the depths of our soul, our true values ​​​​and highlight the corresponding priorities.

Loss teaches compassion. Those who have suffered a loss are usually more sensitive to the feelings of others and often feel a desire to help other people, to alleviate their condition. In general, relationships with people are improving.

Death reminds us of the impermanence of life. Realizing the fluidity of time, we appreciate every moment of being even more.

Many grief survivors become less materialistic and focus more on life and spirituality. Grief teaches humility and wisdom.

Loss makes us realize that love is greater than ours physical body that it binds two people in eternity.

Through loss, a sense of immortality can arise or be enhanced. We carry a particle of everyone we meet on the path of life. In the same way, some part remains in the souls of others. We all inhabit each other and in this sense achieve a kind of immortality.

In conclusion of the conversation about accepting loss and, in general, about the process of experiencing grief, let's turn again to the book by R. Moody and D. Arcangel. In their views on the experience of loss, three options for the development of this process can be distinguished: two types of overcoming grief - restoration and transcendence - and fixation on grief.

Recovery: at the end of the transitional period after the death of a loved one, a person’s life is restored to normal, his personality stabilizes, retaining its former content (basic values, ideas and ideals, the personal model of the world remain unchanged), and life is reborn.

Transcendence: This is a process of spiritual rebirth that requires the deepest insight into grief, which not everyone can or wants. At the point of maximum experience of loss, a person feels as if he was buried with the dead. After that, his basic personality traits undergo changes, the vision of the world is enriched, and life receives a qualitative development. A person becomes more courageous, wiser, kinder, begins to appreciate life more. The attitude towards others changes: compassion, understanding and selfless love increase.

Mount fixation: Moody and Arcangel call it "the tragedy of the hardened heart". The state of a person in this case is characterized by despair, anger, bitterness and sadness. He lacks spiritual faith, meaning in life or the ability to adapt, is afraid of his own death, suffers from prolonged stress or illness.

In the system of Moody and Arcangel, the first variant of experiencing loss can be regarded as the norm, and the other two - as deviations from it in one direction or another: transcendence - towards personal and existential growth, fixation - towards illness and maladaptation.

The important thing is that grief fixation is far from the only option when experiencing loss becomes unhealthy. And now we will move on to a discussion of the so-called "pathological" (S. Freud) or, according to other versions, "painful" (E. Lindemann), "complicated" (A. N. Mokhovikov), "dysfunctional" (R. Moody) grief.

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Ability to deal with your emotions is an essential condition for success in life. Even with such strong emotions that appear during loss, loss, you can continue to live. The loss of loved ones is a serious test in the life of every person. And very often in the moments of "work of grief" - that is, of its gradual living, we do things that we later regret. Knowledge of the mechanism of "living", "work of grief" helps to survive this difficult period. Also knowledge psychological characteristics feelings of loss will help the one who is nearby to understand what is happening with his loved one, how to help him. And to notice, if the emotions and behavior of a person experiencing grief go beyond the average norm, the work of grief is not performed, the person is “stuck” at some stage and the help of a specialist is required.

Psychologists identify five stages of grief. The first stage - stage of denial and shock. A person simply cannot believe what happened, especially if grief is unexpected. Refuses to believe that the bereavement happened to him, again and again asking the messenger of trouble, as if hoping that he misheard. The reaction to this stage of the work of grief may be a cry, an emotional arousal. Or vice versa, emotional coldness, lethargy (a person who has received news of the death of a loved one can completely immerse himself in reading detective stories, for example, causing puzzled looks from others) - such behavior is a defense against the effects of shock.

In any case, a person leaves reality, full contact with the outside world and with himself is interrupted. Decisions made at this stage of the grief experience are often wrong because the person does not have an accurate understanding of the situation. Sometimes behavior at this moment takes on forms that make one doubt the mental state of a person. So, for example, having received news of the death of her husband, a woman can fix and iron his linen - this is also a form of protection against the destructive effect of a shock state.

The second stage of the "work of grief" - stage of aggression, resentment, anger. In a constructive way, aggression is directed at the cause that caused grief, loss. If we consider the evolution of mankind, then once such a form of behavior also served as protection, and in the most literal sense - the relatives of the deceased usually punished the enemies who killed a loved one, so that it would be disgraceful another time.

IN modern world most often, aggression is not constructive, directed at others, at oneself, at inanimate property. A person, going through the stage of aggression, is inclined to blame fate, God, doctors, himself, in the end, for his grief. Often aggression, anger is directed at the deceased, who "left", left his loved ones. Remember, by the way, the people's "lamentations" - "Who are you, my dear friend, left me, miserable!" etc. Like other ancient rites, "lamentations" have a deep practical meaning. In this case, they help to cope with their emotions without harming themselves and others.

Third stage - guilt stage, or bidding stage. Experiencing this stage, people believe that it is they who are to blame for what happened, their “bad behavior”. “I will always behave well, only let everything be fine!” - similar "bidding" with higher powers, with God are held in case of illness of loved ones, in catastrophes, when their fate is unknown. A person experiencing this stage may also feel remorse for treating the deceased badly, paying little attention to him. In such situations, a person's behavior changes dramatically, in expiation of guilt, he can, for example, do charity work, be more attentive to others, even ... go to a monastery.

However, the decisions made at this stage are also often hasty, thoughtless, because such a “moralization” of a person is temporary. Later, when the wound of loss is already beginning to heal, a person begins to rejoice in the manifestations of life again, the so-called guilt of joy often arises - remorse, experienced due to the fact that we can again be cheerful and happy, while a loved one is no longer there.

Decisions made on stages of depression can also cause harm to the bereaved person and those around them. Depression, apathy, irritability, decreased social activity are all manifestations of depression. Life can lose all meaning, a person tends to “jam” his pain with alcohol and other “antidepressants”. It is at this moment that people can make rash decisions dictated by the strong emotions they are currently experiencing, up to and including suicide. But the main thing to remember, even grieving over the loss of a loved one, is again a wise folk saying: "The best healer is time."

No matter how hard a person experiences grief, the acceptance of loss gradually comes. Acceptance stage characterized by the restoration of the usual course of life, again entering its own track. Life takes on purpose and meaning. A person learns to rejoice, laugh again, returns to his usual affairs, restores his social circle.

Indeed, on the one hand, grief is a deeply individual, complex process. It must be borne in mind that in most cases all experiences associated with loss, even if they are very difficult or seem strange and unacceptable, are natural forms of grief and need to be understood by others. Therefore, it is necessary to be as sensitive and patient as possible to the manifestations of grief. However, it also happens that a person who has lost a loved one begins to abuse the sympathy and patience of others and, using his position as a grieving person, tries to extract some benefit from him or allows himself to be incorrect, rude behavior. In this case, others are not obliged to endlessly endure the arrogance of the bereaved, and even more so to allow him to manipulate himself.

On the other hand, all people are somewhat similar, so we can distinguish relatively universal stages that grief goes through in its course - five such stages are distinguished in psychology. It is clear that this division is arbitrary, but it allows us to identify general patterns.

— Probably, the first reaction to such an event is a kind of shock, especially if death came suddenly?

— You are right, the news of the death of a loved one turns out to be akin to a strong blow that "stuns" the bereaved. Psychologists call this stage the stage shock and denial. The strength of the psychological impact of the loss depends on many factors, in particular, on the degree of unexpectedness of what happened, but often people have enough objective reasons to expect the death of a relative (advanced age, long illness, etc.), and enough time to realize situation and prepare for a possible outcome, and yet the death of a family member comes as a surprise to them.

The first reaction to the news can be very diverse: a cry, motor excitement, or, conversely, stupor. Then comes the state of psychological shock, which is characterized by the lack of full contact with the outside world and with oneself. Man does everything automatically, like an automaton. At times it seems to him that he sees everything that is happening to him now in a nightmare. At the same time, all feelings inexplicably disappear, a person may have a frozen expression on his face, inexpressive and slightly delayed speech. Such "indifference" may seem strange to the bereaved, and the people around him often jar, perceived as selfishness. But in fact, this imaginary emotional coldness, as a rule, hides a deep shock of loss and protects a person from unbearable mental pain.

This numbness may be interspersed with periods of excitement or aimless activity from time to time. Waves of suffering come over a person, most often under the influence of thoughts or memories of the deceased, and he begins to sob, realizing his powerlessness, or becomes completely absorbed in carrying out mourning rituals (receiving friends, preparing for the funeral and the funeral itself). At this time, the bereaved are rarely left alone, so the days after the funeral turn out to be the most difficult for them, when all the fuss associated with them is left behind, and the sudden emptiness that comes suddenly makes you feel the loss more acutely.

- What is denial? Does a person not believe that all this is really happening and that his loved one really died?

- This phenomenon can occur simultaneously with shock or after it and has very diverse manifestations. In its pure form, it usually occurs in cases where the loss is unexpected, for example, if relatives died as a result of a catastrophe, natural disaster or terrorist attack. Even at the end of rescue operations, relatives may believe that a loved one has not died, but is somewhere unconscious and cannot make contact.

The state of shock and denial of what happened sometimes take such paradoxical forms that they even make others doubt the mental health of a person. However, most often, this is a defensive reaction of the psyche, which cannot withstand the blow and seeks to isolate itself from reality for a while, creating an illusory world. I'll give you an example. The young woman died during childbirth, her child also died. The mother of the deceased lost both her daughter and her grandson, whose birth she was looking forward to. Soon her neighbors began to observe a strange picture: an elderly woman walked down the street every day with an empty stroller. People thought that she had lost her mind, but in this case we cannot definitely speak of mental illness. Most likely, the woman first tried to soften the terrible blow by illusoryly living the desired, but unfulfilled scenario. This conclusion is confirmed by the fact that after some time this behavior ceased.

— Could it be that with the mind a person understands what happened, but on a subconscious level refuses to believe in it?

- Such an internal mismatch is not uncommon, and it can be considered as a variant of denial. The variants of its manifestation can be different: people unconsciously look for the deceased with their eyes in the crowd of passers-by, talk to him, it seems to them that they hear his voice or he is about to come out from around the corner. It happens that in everyday affairs, out of habit, relatives proceed from the fact that the departed person is nearby, for example, they put an extra device on the table for him.

Sometimes this rejection takes the form of a cult of the deceased: his room and belongings are kept intact, as if he might be about to return. All this produces a painful impression, but is a normal reaction to the pain of loss and, as a rule, passes with time as the bereavement realizes its reality and gains in himself the spiritual strength to face the feelings caused by it. Then comes the next stage of grief.

- Which?

- Stage of anger and resentment. After the fact of loss is realized, the absence of the deceased is felt more and more sharply. The grieving person replays in his memory the events that preceded the death of a loved one. He struggles to comprehend what happened, to find the reasons, and he has a lot of questions: “why (for what) such a misfortune fell on us?”, “Why did God allow him (her) to die?”, “Why the doctors could not save?”, “Why didn’t I insist that he go to the hospital?” "why him?" There can be a huge number of such “whys”, and they pop up in the mind many times. At the same time, the mourner does not expect an answer as such, this is also a kind of expression of pain.

Along with the emergence of such questions, resentment and anger arise against those who directly or indirectly contributed to the death of a loved one or did not prevent it. In this case, the accusation can be directed at fate, at God, at people: doctors, relatives, friends, colleagues of the deceased, at society as a whole, at murderers (or people directly responsible for the death of a loved one). Such a “judgment” is more emotional than rational, and therefore sometimes leads to unfounded and unfair reproaches against people who are not only not guilty of what happened, but even tried to help the deceased. So, one elderly woman, whose husband died in the hospital, despite the efforts of the doctors and her departure, reproached his roommates for not “saving” her husband, although they called for help as soon as they saw that he got sick.

This whole complex of negative experiences - indignation, anger, resentment, envy or a desire for revenge - is quite natural, but it can complicate the communication of the grieving with relatives and friends, and even with officials or authorities. It is important to understand that such a reaction usually takes place if a person feels helpless, and these feelings must be respected in order for grief to be experienced.

- How can one explain the fact that some people are angry not at others or fate, but at the dead themselves?

- Surprising as it may seem at first glance, the reaction of anger can also be directed at the departed: for leaving and causing suffering, for not writing a will, for leaving behind a bunch of problems, including material ones, for that he could not escape death. For the most part, such thoughts and feelings are irrational, obvious to outsiders, and sometimes the mourners themselves are aware of this.

In addition, the death of a loved one makes other people remember that they, too, will someday have to die. This sense of one's own mortality can cause an irrational resentment of the existing order of things, and the psychological roots of this resentment often remain hidden from the person. With his indignation, he protests against mortality as such.

- Probably, the most common situation is when a person who has experienced a loss scolds himself for his mistakes, for not being able to save, not saving ...

- Indeed, many people suffer from remorse about the fact that they were unfair to the deceased or did not prevent his death. This state marks the transition to the next stage of grief experience - stages of guilt and obsession. A person can convince himself that if he had the opportunity to turn back time, he would definitely behave differently, lose in his imagination how everything would have been then, cry out to God, promising to fix everything, if only He would give a chance to return everything back. Instead of endless "why?" no less numerous "if only" come, sometimes becoming obsessive: "If only I knew ...", "If I had called an ambulance in time ...", "What if I had not allowed them to go at such a time ...".

- What caused such a "search for options"? After all, what happened cannot be changed ... It turns out that a person still does not accept the loss?

Such questions and fantasies are no longer aimed at finding "guilty" from outside, but mainly at oneself and relate to what a person could do to save his loved one. As a rule, they are the product of two internal causes.

The first is the desire to control the events that take place in life. And since a person cannot fully foresee the future, his thoughts about a possible change in what happened are often unrealistic. They are inherently not so much a rational analysis of the situation as an experience of loss and helplessness.

Another, even more powerful source of thoughts about alternative developments is guilt. Moreover, the self-accusations of the mourners in many cases do not correspond to the truth: they overestimate their ability to prevent loss and exaggerate the degree of their involvement in the death of someone who is dear to them. It seems to me that it would not be an exaggeration to say that almost everyone who has lost a loved one, obviously or in the depths of his soul, feels to some extent guilty towards the deceased.

- What exactly do people who have suffered a loss blame themselves for?

There can be many reasons for this, starting with the fact that they did not prevent the departure of a loved one or directly or indirectly contributed to the death of a loved one, right up to recalling all the cases when they were wrong in relation to the deceased, treated him badly (offended, annoyed, changed etc.). Many blame themselves for not being attentive enough to a person during their lifetime, not talking about their love for him, not asking for forgiveness for something.

Specific forms of guilt can also be included here, such as so-called survivor's guilt - the feeling that you should have died instead of your loved one, guilt only because you continue to live while a loved one died. Some people experience guilt associated with feeling relieved that a loved one has died. In this case, you need to make them understand that relief is a natural and expected feeling, especially if the departed suffered before death.

In the later stages of the experience of loss, another kind of guilt often arises. — “guilt of joy”, that is, guilt about the feeling of happiness that reappears after the death of a loved one. But joy is a natural, healthy experience in life, and we should try to bring it back.

Some people, some time after the loss, are worried that the image of the deceased and the memories of him fade in the mind, as if relegated to the background. Anxiety is also caused by the fact that, in the opinion of the person himself (and often those around him, for example, relatives), such a state indicates that his love for the deceased is not strong enough.

So far, we've discussed guilt, which is a normal response to loss. But often it turns out that the feeling of guilt takes on a chronic form. How to determine when it becomes unhealthy?

It is not necessary to write down any persistent feeling of guilt towards the deceased in the category of pathology. The fact is that long-term guilt is different: existential and neurotic. The first is caused by real mistakes, when a person really did something “wrong” in relation to the deceased or, on the contrary, did not do something important for him. Such guilt, even if it persists for a long time, is absolutely normal, healthy and speaks more of a person’s moral maturity than that something is wrong with him.

Neurotic guilt, on the contrary, is “attached” from the outside either by the deceased himself, while still alive (by statements like “You will drive me into a coffin with your behavior”), or by others (“Well, are you satisfied? man to the inner plane. Dependent relationships with the deceased, as well as chronic guilt, formed even before the death of a loved one, greatly contribute to the formation of such guilt.

The idealization of the deceased can contribute to the increase and preservation of feelings of guilt. Any close human relationship is not complete without disagreements and conflicts, since we are all people with our weaknesses and shortcomings. However, in the mind of a grieving person, his own shortcomings are often exaggerated, and the shortcomings of the deceased are ignored, which only aggravates the suffering of the mourner. Although suffering itself constitutes the next stage, it is also called stage of depression.

- It turns out that suffering is far from the first place? Does this mean that at first it is not there, and then it suddenly appears out of nowhere?

- Not certainly in that way. The point is that at a certain stage, suffering reaches its peak and overshadows all other experiences.

This is the period of maximum mental pain, which can be felt even physically. Suffering is often accompanied by crying, especially when remembering the deceased, about the past life together and the circumstances of his death. Some mourners become especially sensitive and may cry at any moment. Another reason for tears is a feeling of loneliness, abandonment, self-pity. At the same time, longing for the deceased does not necessarily manifest itself in crying, suffering can be driven deep inside and find expression in depression. In general, the experience of deep grief almost always contains elements of depression. A person feels helpless, lost, devastated, lives mainly in memories, but understands that the past cannot be returned. The present seems unbearable to him, and the future unthinkable without the deceased. The goals and meaning of life are lost, sometimes to the point that it seems to a person shocked by the loss that his own life now also finished.

What are the signs that a grieving person is depressed?

The general condition is often characterized by depression, apathy, and hopelessness. A person moves away from family, friends, avoids social activity; complaints of lack of energy, feeling of weakness and exhaustion, inability to concentrate are possible. Also, a suffering person is prone to sudden bouts of crying, may try to drown out his pain with alcohol or even drugs. Depression can also manifest itself at the physical level: in sleep and appetite disorders, sudden weight loss or, conversely, weight gain; even chronic pain may occur.

Paradoxically, despite the unbearability of suffering, mourners can cling to it as an opportunity to keep in touch with the deceased, to prove their love for him. The internal logic in this case is something like this: to stop grieving means to calm down, to calm down means to forget, and to forget = to betray. As a result, a person continues to suffer, in order to thereby maintain loyalty to the deceased and a spiritual connection with him. Some cultural barriers also contribute to this, such as the common notion that the duration of grief is a measure of our love for the deceased. Similar barriers may also arise from outside. For example, if a person feels that his family expects him to grieve for a long time, then he can continue to grieve in order to confirm his love for the deceased. This can be a major barrier to accepting the loss.

- Probably, the acceptance of loss is the final stage of experiencing grief? What is she like?

You are absolutely right, this is the last step. — stage of acceptance and reorganization. No matter how hard and long the grief, in the end, as a rule, a person comes to an emotional acceptance of the loss. At the same time, the connection of times is restored, as it were: a person gradually ceases to live in the past, the ability to fully live in the surrounding reality returns to him and looks to the future with hope.

A person restores social ties lost for a while and makes new ones. There is a return of interest in meaningful activities. In other words, life regains its lost value, and often new meanings are also discovered. Existing plans for the future are being rebuilt, new goals are emerging. This is how life is reorganized.

These changes, of course, do not mean the oblivion of the deceased. It simply occupies a certain place in a person's heart and ceases to be the focus of his life. At the same time, the survivor of the loss, of course, continues to remember the deceased and even draws strength, finds support in his memory. Instead of intense grief, a quiet sadness remains in the human soul, which can be replaced by a light, bright sadness.

I want to emphasize once again that the stages of experiencing loss that I have listed are only a generalized model, and in real life, grief proceeds very individually, albeit in line with a certain general trend. And just as individually, we come to accept the loss.

- Could you give an example from practice to more clearly demonstrate the change in these stages of grief?

- For example, you can tell about the case of a girl who turned to psychologists for help because of the experiences associated with the death of her father. It was a doubly heavy blow, because it was suicide. The first reaction of the girl to this tragic event was, according to her, horror in the complete absence of other feelings. This is probably how the first, shock, stage was expressed. Later, anger and resentment towards the father came: “How could he do this to us?”, Which corresponds to the second stage of experiencing the loss. Then the anger was replaced by "relief that he is no more", which led to the emergence of guilt and, thereby, the transition to the third stage of grief. The girl blamed herself for quarreling with her father, not loving and respecting enough, not supporting him in difficult times. In addition, she was worried about the lost opportunity to communicate with her father, to get to know and understand him better as a person. To her. it took quite a long time and help to accept the loss, but in the end she was able not only to come to terms with the past, but also to come to terms with herself, to change her attitude towards the present and future life. It is in this that a full-fledged experience of grief and a genuine acceptance of loss are manifested: a person does not just “come back to life”, but at the same time he changes internally, goes to another stage, perhaps a higher level of his earthly existence, begins to live in something new life .

- You said that this girl had to resort to the help of a psychologist. How to distinguish whether the reaction to the loss is normal or you need to see a specialist?

- In a number of cases, indeed, the experience of loss goes beyond the conventional framework of the norm and becomes complicated. Grief can be considered complicated when it is inadequate in strength (experienced too hard), in duration (experienced too long or interrupted) or in form of experience (proves to be destructive to the person himself or to others). Of course, it is very difficult to clearly establish the boundary where normal grief ends and complicated grief begins. But in life, this issue often has to be resolved, so the following approach can be offered as a guideline: if grief seriously interferes with the life of the grieving person or the people around him, if it leads to serious health problems or threatens the life of the grieving person or other people, then grief follows considered complicated. In this case, you need to think about seeking professional help (psychological, psychotherapeutic, medical).

- How can complicated grief manifest itself at each of the stages of the experience of loss?

- We can take such a criterion as duration as a basis here: the normal process of experiencing loss is violated if a person “gets stuck” for a long time, is fixed at a certain stage. In addition, complicated grief has qualitative differences within each stage. For example, at the shock stage, diametrically opposite reactions are possible: a critical decrease in activity up to a state of stupor, an inability to perform even the simplest, habitual actions, or, on the contrary, rash decisions and impulsive actions fraught with negative consequences.

Complicated forms of loss denial are characterized by the fact that a person, even at a conscious level, stubbornly refuses to believe that his loved one has died. Moreover, even the personal presence at the funeral does not help to recognize the reality of the loss. On this basis, even crazy ideas can arise. For example, one woman did not acknowledge the fact of her father's death for 40 years. She claimed that during the funeral he moved, breathed, that is, he did not die, but pretended.

At the stage of anger and resentment, a complicated form of reaction to loss is, first of all, strong anger, up to hatred for other people, accompanied by aggressive impulses and expressed in the form of various violent actions, up to murder. Moreover, aggression can be directed at random people who have nothing to do with what happened. So, a veteran of the war in Chechnya, returning to peaceful life, even after many years, he could not come to terms with the death of his guys. At the same time, he was angry at the whole world and at all people "for the fact that they can live and be happy as if nothing had happened."

At the stage of guilt and obsessions, the complicated experience of loss is expressed in a heavy feeling of neurotic guilt, which pushes a person to somehow punish himself or even commit suicide. A person feels he has no right to live as before and, as it were, sacrifices himself. However, this sacrifice turns out to be senseless and even harmful. An example is the case of a girl who lost her father, who was the closest person to her. She blamed herself for taking little care of him during his lifetime, while he did everything he could for her. She believed that she should have been in his place, that she had no right to live on, did not see prospects in life: “I have no right to live, what prospects can there be?”.

At the stage of suffering and depression, the complicated forms of these experiences reach such an extent that they completely unsettle the grieving person. His own life seems to come to a standstill, and experts speak of such symptoms as incessant thoughts of worthlessness and hopelessness; thinking about death or suicide; persistent inability to perform daily activities; uncontrollable crying, delayed responses and physical reactions; extreme weight loss.

Complicated grief, similar in form to clinical depression, sometimes leads to a downright deplorable outcome. Case in point to that - the so-called death from grief. If childless spouses live together all their lives and one of them is not adapted to life without the other, the death of a husband or wife can be a real catastrophe and end with the imminent death of the surviving spouse.

- How can you help a person to truly accept the loss, come to terms with it?

- The process of experiencing loss, which has entered the completion stage, can lead to different results. One option is the consolation that comes to people whose relatives have died long and hard. Other, more universal options are humility and acceptance. However, they are not the same. Passive humility, as it were, sends a signal: this is the end, nothing can be done. And the acceptance of what happened facilitates, pacifies and ennobles our existence: this is not the end; it's just the end of the current order of things.

Acceptance is more likely to come to people who believe in reunion with their loved ones after death. Religious people are less afraid of death, which means they experience grief a little differently than atheists, go through all these stages more easily, console themselves faster, accept the loss and look into the future with faith and hope.

This may seem blasphemous to some, but the loss of a loved one often becomes an impetus for changes for the better in the soul of the grieving. Losses make us honor the departed loved ones, and also teach us to appreciate the remaining relatives and life in general. In addition, grief teaches compassion. Lost people tend to be more sensitive to the feelings of others and often feel the urge to help them. Many grief survivors discover true values, become less materialistic, and focus more on life and spirituality.

Ultimately, death reminds us of the impermanence of life, and therefore makes us appreciate every moment of being even more.