In the course of our lives, we meet people who, in our opinion, are not completely healthy. They are rude, rude, even for no good reason. Inflate a grandiose scandal over a trifle that anyone normal person won't pay the slightest attention. Such people behave inappropriately, splashing out their pain turned into anger, behind the walls of the surrounding world. And we are not talking now about real madmen: murderers, rapists and sadists. Psychological manual “How to talk to assholes. What to do with inadequate and unbearable people in your life ”is dedicated to countering people who can be called everyday crazy.
This well-known psychiatrist knows very well how to build communication with those who behave inappropriately. He is an outstanding specialist in this field and has extensive experience in dealing with unbalanced people. When a person splashes out his anger, resentment and other negative emotions in external world- this is a sign of insanity, and such behavior is laid from an early age. The work "How to talk to assholes. What to do with inadequate and unbearable people in your life” explores such problems. However, first of all, the writer recommends paying attention to the origins of this phenomenon: because of what a person is aggressive.
According to the author of the work, “How to talk to assholes. What to do with inadequate and unbearable people in your life”, there are three main mistakes that lead a person on the road to a lunatic asylum. Mark Goulston says that the most common of these is criticism. Often our parents, instead of approval and help, show dissatisfaction and criticize us. Such children grow up in a constant atmosphere of anger and resentment towards their parents. When they become adults, their behavior becomes the result of revenge on their parents. They behave in such a way that others are ashamed of them. They brutally suppress others with their rudeness and aggression, they are prone to suicide. They feel like a victim and therefore in this way they protect themselves from the people around them. The outside world causes them rejection and anger. By the way, this type of personality often does not achieve anything in life, he is an inveterate loser on all fronts, which makes him even more prone to destructive emotions.
The second erroneous path to madness, according to Mark Goulston, is spoiled. Parents who constantly praise their children and justify even their most capricious behavior turn their offspring into narcissistic and selfish personalities. Growing up, such children think only of themselves and the satisfaction of their own needs. Such people like to manipulate other people to get what they want. And besides this, they are waiting for approval and applause for any reason. After all, it was precisely this attitude that was instilled in them from the cradle.
And the third path to madness is ignorance. The parents of such children are often busy at work, and the child grows up as a closed pessimist, confident that no one needs him and no one will help him in a difficult situation. These people do not even try to take any steps to implement their plans because of such psychological blocks.
The work "How to talk to assholes. What to do with inadequate and unbearable people in your life ”suggests that the threads of our problems stretch from distant childhood. Only by understanding the origins, the root cause of the behavior of a certain person, can we establish a constructive conversation with an inadequate person and win in it. And the recommendations and advice from the psychological manual of Mark Goulston will help you understand the issues of domestic craziness.
On our literary site, you can download Mark Goulston's book How to Talk to Assholes. What to do with inadequate and unbearable people in your life ”for free in formats suitable for different devices - epub, fb2, txt, rtf. Do you like to read books and always follow the release of new products? We have big choice books of various genres: classics, modern science fiction, literature on psychology and children's editions. In addition, we offer interesting and informative articles for beginner writers and all those who want to learn how to write beautifully. Each of our visitors will be able to find something useful and exciting.
Mann, Ivanov & Ferber is publishing a translation of the book How to Talk to Assholes by renowned psychiatrist Mark Goulston, who created the negotiation course for the FBI and now teaches company managers how to deal with people who threaten business. The author tells how to gain control over irrational people and how to deal with absurd clients, manipulative colleagues and crazy bosses.
Feel no guilt
It happens that we suddenly realize that we are suffering in a relationship with an irrational person simply because we do not want to lower ourselves in our own eyes. We are too scared to admit that bad thoughts like “I hate you and want you to disappear” or “I would rather you die, otherwise I will die” have been roaming in my head for a long time. It is important to realize that having such thoughts in itself is normal and does not make you bad, but it is a sign that it is time to stop communicating with an irrational person.
Do not even think about continuing the relationship - just leave. It is possible that a person will try to return you. In this case, use the following principles:
Don't react. Do not allow yourself to think that this person's problems are your responsibility or the result of your mistakes. Repeat to yourself: "This is his point of view, his problem, his responsibility." - Don't risk it. Don't give this person a single chance to twist your words and make you guilty or responsible for the situation. - Don't revive. Avoid situations in which a person would try to revive your relationship and begin to manipulate you again. Once you start using these principles, go all the way. At first, an irrational person will most likely try to drag you into a relationship again, but if you do not give in, he will eventually switch to another victim.
Personality disorder test
A quick way to recognize a person suffering from a personality disorder, and it is not difficult to apply it on a date, even when applying for a job. Ask your interlocutor what annoyed, upset or disappointed him in the past, and try to understand who he considers guilty.
Does he say something like: "I shouldn't have given up painting"? Or formulates differently: “I wanted to be an artist, but neither my parents nor my first wife supported me”? If a person suffers from a personality disorder, he will certainly begin to blame others - and it will be clear to you that it is not worth continuing the relationship.
Six main types of people with personality disorders
Hysteroid: people of this type need increased attention; they are uncomfortable when someone else is in the center. Surrounding such people are perceived as spectators who have gathered to contemplate another drama.
Narcissistic: These people see themselves as the center of the universe. Try to talk to them about your interests or needs - and they will immediately get bored or even angry. They expect special treatment from everyone and do not even think that they burden others with this.
Addict: Irrational people sometimes fall into emotional dependence but now I'm talking about those who are constantly dependent on others. They need support: they are not able to make a single decision, they are not ready to act independently, they are afraid to be left alone.
Paranoid: These people need to constantly know where you are going, when you will return, and who you are spending time with. No matter how hard you try to assure them of your loyalty, they are not able to trust.
Borderline: such people live in a state of permanent crisis, constantly afraid that you will leave them or begin to control them. And so they either idealize you or hate you. The best sign that you have a person with borderline disorder is your constant fear of upsetting and pissing him off, because when this happens, he reacts out of proportion to the problem.
Sociopathic: at first, such people often make a very pleasant impression, but they are not capable of compassion and sympathy, they are unfamiliar with pangs of conscience. It seems to them that they have every right to do anything to achieve what they want, they do not care about your feelings, and they will not hesitate to hurt you if it is beneficial for them.
Don't hang out with psychos if you can
Rather, consider whether you should continue to communicate with a person suffering from a personality disorder at all. Is there any reason to stay in a relationship if this person is able to draw all the strength out of you? You will not keep money in a deposit account if the bank has stopped accruing interest? Surely you decide to take the money to another bank, where you will be offered reasonable conditions.
The conclusion from our reasoning is this: if you have not yet invested too much in a relationship with a person suffering from a personality disorder, consider whether it would be wiser to end it altogether. I have to deal with such people endlessly - but this is my job. Unless you have a good enough reason, save yourself.
How to Respond to an Irrational Attack - Just Be Silent
When an irrational person attacks, your first instinct is to hit back. But it won't work. So don't take it as an attack. Change your attitude by stopping and saying to yourself, “Great opportunity to exercise self-control.”
Then properly yell or swear at the interlocutor - to yourself, not out loud! - using any suitable words. And then do nothing. Just take a break. And then think again: “This is a great opportunity to exercise self-control.”
If the amygdala continues to bite the bit, you can silently scream at yourself. For example, say something like, “Mark, I don’t give a damn about this composure, let’s just brush off the damn thing!” Then take a deep breath and repeat: "A great opportunity to exercise self-control."
At this point, your interlocutor is already waiting for you to go into a defensive position and start screaming, crying or running away. When none of this happens, he will be disarmed. Now look your opponent straight in the eyes and say, bewildered, but without anger: “Well, well, well. And what was it?
Let the interlocutor once again verbally pour out on you. And then say something like this: “I can’t say that I like your tone, but I still don’t want to miss anything: what exactly are you trying to convey to me?” “Not your best performance, but tell me what do you want me to do or stop doing so that this conversation will not happen again?”
At some point, if you keep your composure, your interlocutor will realize that wild bucking no longer works. Now you can take the conversation on a more positive note. Even if you don't get to talk to a lunatic on that particular day, you will be proud of your behavior.
How to recover after the victory of a madman - apologize
If a conversation with a crazy person doesn't go according to plan and you lose control, it's possible that you've said or done a lot of hurtful things. If so, you should sincerely apologize.
It's very difficult - and yes, I know it seems completely dishonest. Because, from your point of view, the irrational person himself brought you to a breakdown. However, an apology will disarm him and make you feel better. So go up to the person and say, "I would like to apologize for being so vulnerable and sensitive to your words."
Most likely, something else interesting will happen. The person may turn to you and say, "I know my actions disappoint you too." From now on, your conversation will take a completely different direction. I understand that this way of behavior seems unfair to you. It's not you who screams, it's not you who weep, it's not you who says terrible things to another.
Usually, during the confrontation between rational and emotional clients in my office, it turns out that at some point the logical partner consciously or unconsciously deeply offended his more sensitive soul mate with coldness, arrogance, reprimand, dismissiveness or mocking ridicule. This means that both parties are guilty and each of them should apologize. And I'm just asking you to do it first.
Help the splitter accept rejection
"Splitters" is a reflection of the entire Western civilization. In other cultures, people often hear "no" and learn to live with it. But we are not accustomed to the fact that our desires are not considered. Splitting is a form of manipulation where the splitter tries to get you into a game on their side against the person who denied him. This is a dirty game that can destroy the relationship between two pitted people.
Action plan:
If someone tells you a story about the betrayal of a person they trusted, check the facts. If it seems to you that splitting is taking place, show the interlocutor that you have figured out his trick. Then talk to him about how to deal with disappointment without falling apart and slandering other people.
If a similar situation arose in the workplace, save time for all parties to the conflict and call the person who answered “no” while the interlocutor is in your office. If possible, put the call on speakerphone. This way you will avoid playing “broken phone” and quickly determine if the interlocutor is exaggerating and if he understood all the facts correctly
Ask yourself the question: “How reasonable is the person who said “no” to my interlocutor?” If there is at least small chance that the person is irrational or aggressive, consider that. If not, then you are dealing with a "splitter".
Pause. Then look at the other person with an innocent and surprised look and say, “Before I take a stand, maybe you can explain to me why this person said no to you? What exactly did you say to him? We both know him, and usually he behaves reasonably. He wouldn't hurt you for no reason."
At this point, the "splitter" is often indignant: "You are both the same. Always take each other's side."
Here's what I said to a family member who was literally paralyzed by the prospect of hearing "no": "The better you deal with failure, the higher your expectations will be. If the word “no” becomes only a minor nuisance for you, you can dream about anything. But if every rejection knocks you down, your dreams will always be limited."
Such a conversation requires patience and tact, but by the end of it you will reach as many as three goals. First, you will support the side of the person who said no. Secondly, show the “splitter” that you figured out his game. And thirdly, and most importantly, help the “splitter” understand that “no” is not the end of the world. Help the person accept rejection and they will no longer want to manipulate people to get a yes.
Flatter know-it-alls for your own good
All know-it-alls play tag. Their version of the rules goes like this: I pissed you off (devalued or humiliated), but you can't piss me off (because my confidence in my own magnificence is unshakable). This game cannot be won, so don't start playing it. Instead, do something the know-it-all doesn't expect: agree that he's incredibly smart. Flatter how well he understands everything. Use the following epithets: wise, thoughtful, intelligent, brilliant, outstanding. And then say what you want to say: "People would appreciate your intelligence if you didn't make them hate you."
So your words will correspond to the picture of the world of this person, and the bitter pill will be easier to swallow. If the know-it-all is already in your liver, then such flattery will have to be said reluctantly. But the trick is to focus on the end goal: making the person behave better. If you achieve this with flattery, then the game is worth the candle.
The more you flatter the know-it-all, the less likely he is to humiliate you:
- If you have to work with a know-it-all, determine in which areas he is truly a professional.
- When you meet him, start with the following information. For example, say: - "You have an amazing talent"; - "You are our best designer"; - “Your ideas are fresh and new”; - “You have a great sense of color”; - "Your last presentation is just great."
- Further explain that the know-it-all's actions are detrimental to him, but do it in such a way that these words reinforce your flattery. For example, say, “Our junior designers have so much to learn from you. But when you taunt or cut them off abruptly, they withdraw from communication, which means that they do not receive potential benefits. I think if you could find a way to talk to them like a teacher and not like a critic, they would learn a lot more from you."
Always turn down manipulators
Manipulators are a special kind of crazy. Their behavior doesn't work in the long run as most people turn away from them. But it is very good in the short term, and such people do not see beyond their own nose.
Manipulators try to turn their problems into yours, and they will succeed if you let them. They will squeeze you emotionally and sometimes financially. And no matter how much you help them, they will come next week (or even the next day) to help you with the next problem.
In I Hear Through You, I offered techniques for getting rid of manipulators. Wait for them to ask you to do something for them and answer: “I will be happy to help you. Here's what you can do for me." This works great with small manipulators, but often does not work against real professionals.
In the latter case, you will need a more powerful weapon. I know of two approaches to such manipulators. I call them "decisive refusal" and "polite refusal." If you are a gentle person by nature, use the second option. But, if you have the courage and you are not afraid of confrontation, try with all your might to use the first method.
Decisive refusal
Imagine an emotionally dependent manipulator. Let his name be John. John comes to you every day for a week, whines or goes completely limp and asks or even demands that you help him solve his problems.
The next time John does this, do the following:
Let him speak, blame someone, whine or complain. - Take a break. - Say: "Well, either everything will be fine, or everything will be bad, or everything will remain the same, or none of the above options." - Let him once again speak out and whine. (And he will whine, because he will be upset that the manipulation did not work.) - Pause. - Say, "Oh, I'm sorry. Or the answer will be different. And what that answer is, I don't know." - Let him still complain and whine. - Take a break. - Say, “I don't think I can help here. I hope everything works out. I'm sorry but I have to go". - If John needs to the last word left behind him, do not resist. Then say goodbye and leave (or hang up).
Here is the denial option that I use. It is similar to the one above.
I say this: “Understood. And now what?
While the person is whining, I remark, “Looks like there’s a lot to be done, so it’s good to start sorting this out early. What will you do first?"
If the whining continues, I answer: "Well, I'll go, tell me later what you decided to do about it." After that, I calmly leave.
Help the “distorting mirror” earn the approval of the authorities
Nothing robs directors and managers of the respect of their subordinates more than manipulation by what I call "false mirrors." You know what I'm talking about.
Here's what these people do:
Excellent communication with senior colleagues; - ingratiate themselves with the authorities by secretly providing "intelligence data"; - win the love of superiors by providing personal services that often benefit the boss more than the company; - substitute more competent colleagues, slandering them; - manipulate bosses who are poorly versed in people; - cope much more successfully with "political games" than with their immediate duties; - seem more capable to superior colleagues than equals or subordinates; - are primarily concerned with their own safety and not with the needs of others, including the needs of the boss they are courting; - do not accept accusations or criticism of their actions (or inactions); - they are afraid of those who demonstrate high results, because their own incompetence is visible in this way; - hide their inadequate and hypocritical behavior by blaming others, apologizing or minimizing criticism of others; - nothing stops them when they try to hide their dishonest behavior.
"Crooked mirrors" break through only in those companies where there are weaknesses. And often the weak point turns out to be a flawed boss, whom such people can easily charm and control. Such bosses often hide any serious shortcomings, and they are afraid that this information will be revealed. Many of them have unsurpassed charm and charisma, but they lack business acumen. By providing cover for them and feeding their egos, "distorting mirrors" give such bosses the feeling that they are more competent and admirable than they really are.
What can you do if you show excellent results and thus pose a threat to the "distorting mirror" that is trying to discredit you with its manipulations? Unfortunately, if the manipulator has already charmed the boss, you are unlikely to change his mind. You have as much chance to turn the situation in your favor as to convince a parent blinded by love that their “nice boy” is lying and stealing.
There is one method based on the fact that the "distorting mirror" has two purposes: to flatter the boss and cover up one's own incompetence.
The trick here is to help the "distorting mirror" achieve both goals. However, I warn you: do not use this method until you have thought through all the details, including how the situation can turn against you. In particular, evaluate how this will affect your relationships with other colleagues.
You will never make a “distorting mirror” your friend or ally, because you will always be more competent, which means you will always remain a threat. But if you show that you can help him achieve his goals, then you will move from the category of enemies to the category of "friends-enemies", which will make such a person less dangerous.
Action plan:
- Think about what this person is really really good at. Everyone, even the most incompetent, has some talent or ability.
- Think about how this trait can benefit your company.
- Together with the "distorting mirror" arrange brainstorm about this opportunity.
- Help the "mirror" make a plan and stick to it.
- Find a way to draw the attention of your superiors to what is happening so that the “mirror” is praised. Remember that such a person is able to smell a catch and wonder why you would help him if he is constantly trying to set you up. If you are asked this, be prepared to answer.
What to do with inadequate and unbearable people in your life
Basic principles of dealing with psychos
To reach out to irrational people, you need to know why they behave the way they do.
In addition, you need to understand why reasoned discussion and logical reasoning do not work, as opposed to empathy and immersion in the problem.
We understand crazy people
Having worked as a psychiatrist for decades, I can say that I understand madmen, including deeply ill people. What I mean? For example, one of my patients stalked Britney Spears and another jumped off the fifth floor because he believed he could fly. Another called me one day from a prison in the Dominican Republic and told me that he was there, going to start a revolution. In addition, I have worked with anorexics who weigh less than 40 kilograms, heroin addicts, and schizophrenic patients who experience hallucinations. I taught negotiators how to force the surrender of murder-obsessed terrorists who took hostages. Now I show directors and top managers of companies how to deal with people who threaten the business. Simply put, we have long switched to “you” with the abnormal.
But recently, an interesting thought came to me: I expect to meet a psycho every day, because this is my job. However, I suddenly realized how often you have to deal with crazy people - not jumping off balconies or bullying Britney Spears, but what I call everyday psychos.
The epiphany hit me when I went to a meeting of real estate developers and their lawyers who needed advice on helping families in a crisis. I expected a boring meeting, but their stories fascinated me. I found that these people "talk to crazy people" on a daily basis - just like me! Nearly every situation discussed has involved clients acting completely insane. These lawyers had no problem drafting a will or setting up a trust fund. But they didn't know what to do if the client was turning into a psycho - and they desperately wanted to know.
That's when it dawned on me that everyone, including you, is facing this problem. I'm willing to bet that almost every day you encounter at least one irrational person. For example, this is a boss demanding the impossible. A picky parent, an aggressive teenager, a manipulative co-worker or yelling neighbor, a sobbing love interest, or a petulant client with unfounded claims.
That's what this book is about: how you talk to psychos. Speaking of the word "crazy": I understand that it sounds provocative and politically incorrect. But when I use it, I don't mean mentally ill people (although mental disorders certainly provoke crazy behavior - see). Also, I do not use the word "crazy" to stigmatize a particular group of people. Because any of us at some point is capable of acting like a madman. When I say "crazy" or "madman" I mean that the person is behaving irrationally. There are four signs that the people you are dealing with are irrational:
1) they do not have a clear picture of the world;
2) they say or do things that don't make sense;
3) they make decisions or take actions not in their own interests;
4) when you try to get them back on the path of sanity, they become completely unbearable.
In this book, I will share my best practices for reaching out to irrational people. I have used these methods to reconcile feuding colleagues and save marriages, and you too can use them to control the inadequacy of those around you.
We all occasionally encounter people with whom a constructive conversation is impossible. How to be with them? In this book, renowned psychiatrist and counselor Mark Goulston explains how to emerge victorious from destructive communication. Him great experience working with unstable people, which allowed him to create a negotiation course for the FBI, and he knows that traditional methods of communicating and arguing with them do not work. Goulston shares his best practices for reaching out to irrational people. He used these methods to bring together feuding colleagues and save marriages, and you too can use them to keep the irrational people in your life under control. Published in Russian for the first time.
* * *
The following excerpt from the book How to Talk to Assholes (Mark Goulston, 2015) provided by our book partner - the company LitRes.
Dedicated to the blessed memory of Warren Bennis, who, five minutes after meeting me, made it clear that he would never hurt me. I admire this quality and try to adopt it.
Basic principles of dealing with psychos
To reach out to irrational people, you need to know why they behave the way they do.
In addition, you need to understand why reasoned discussion and logical reasoning do not work, as opposed to empathy and immersion in the problem.
We understand crazy people
Having worked as a psychiatrist for decades, I can say that I understand madmen, including deeply ill people. What I mean? For example, one of my patients stalked Britney Spears and another jumped off the fifth floor because he believed he could fly. Another called me one day from a prison in the Dominican Republic and told me that he was there, going to start a revolution. In addition, I have worked with anorexics who weigh less than 40 kilograms, heroin addicts, and schizophrenic patients who experience hallucinations. I taught negotiators how to force the surrender of murder-obsessed terrorists who took hostages. Now I show directors and top managers of companies how to deal with people who threaten the business. Simply put, we have long switched to “you” with the abnormal.
But recently, an interesting thought came to me: I expect to meet a psycho every day, because this is my job. However, I suddenly realized how often you have to deal with crazy people - not jumping off balconies or bullying Britney Spears, but what I call everyday psychos.
The epiphany hit me when I went to a meeting of real estate developers and their lawyers who needed advice on helping families in a crisis. I expected a boring meeting, but their stories fascinated me. I found that these people "talk to crazy people" on a daily basis - just like me! Nearly every situation discussed has involved clients acting completely insane. These lawyers had no problem drafting a will or setting up a trust fund. But they didn't know what to do if the client was turning into a lunatic - and they desperately wanted to know.
That's when it dawned on me that everyone, including you, is facing this problem. I'm willing to bet that almost every day you encounter at least one irrational person. For example, this is a boss demanding the impossible. A picky parent, an aggressive teenager, a manipulative co-worker or yelling neighbor, a sobbing love interest, or a petulant client with unfounded claims.
That's what this book is about: how you talk to psychos. Speaking of the word "psycho": I understand that it sounds provocative and politically incorrect. But when I use it, I don't mean mentally ill people (although mental disorders certainly provoke crazy behavior - see part 5). Also, I do not use the word "crazy" to stigmatize a particular group of people. Because any of us at some point is capable of acting like a madman. When I say "crazy" or "madman" I mean that the person is behaving irrationally. There are four signs that the people you are dealing with are irrational:
1) they do not have a clear picture of the world;
2) they say or do things that don't make sense;
3) they make decisions or take actions not in their own interests;
4) when you try to get them back on the path of sanity, they become completely unbearable.
In this book, I will share my best practices for reaching out to irrational people. I have used these methods to reconcile feuding colleagues and save marriages, and you too can use them to control the inadequacy of those around you.
Key: become a psycho yourself
The tools I'm going to talk about require courage to use. Because you won't just ignore the psychos and wait for them to leave. You will not argue with them or try to convince them. Instead, you will have to feel crazy and start behaving the same way.
Years ago, someone told me what to do when a dog grabbed your arm. If you trust your instincts and withdraw your hand, the dog will sink its teeth even deeper. But if you use a non-obvious solution and push your hand deeper into the throat, the dog will loosen his grip. Why? Because the dog will want to swallow, for which he needs to relax his jaw. This is where you put your hand out.
Similarly, you can interact with irrational people. If you treat them as if they are crazy and you are not, they will only go deeper into crazy thoughts. But if you yourself begin to behave like a psycho, this will dramatically change the situation. Here is an example.
After one of the most disgusting days of my life, on the way home, I concentrated on the troubles that had fallen on me and drove the car on autopilot. Unfortunately for me, this was all happening during California's extremely dangerous rush hour. At some point, I accidentally cut off a pickup truck in which a big man and his wife were sitting. He honked angrily, and I waved my hand to show my apologies. But then - just a couple of kilometers later - I cut it again.
Then the man caught up with me and abruptly stopped the truck in front of my car, forcing me to pull over to the side of the road. As I braked, I saw his wife gesticulating frantically, asking him not to get out of the car.
Of course, he did not pay attention to her and after a few moments he was already on the road - under two meters tall and weighing 140 kilograms. He abruptly approached me and began banging on the glass, shouting curses.
I was so stunned that I even rolled down the window to hear him. Then I waited for him to pause so that he could pour even more bile on me. And when he paused to catch his breath, I said to him: “Have you ever had such a terrible day that you just hoped that someone would pull out a gun, shoot you and put an end to all the suffering? Is that someone you?
His jaw dropped. "What?" - he asked.
Up to this point, I've been acting very stupid. But suddenly I did something brilliant. In some incredible way, despite my clouded mind, I said exactly what was needed.
I did not try to negotiate with this intimidating man - most likely, instead of answering, he would have dragged me out of the car and hit me in the face with his huge fist. I didn't try to resist. I just became as crazy and hit him with his own weapon.
He stared at me and I spoke again, “Yes, I'm serious. I don't usually cut people and have never cut someone twice before. It's just that today is the kind of day where it doesn't matter what I do or who I meet - including you! - everything goes wrong. Will you become the person who will graciously end my existence?”
He immediately changed, calmed down and began to cheer me up: “Hey. What are you, boy, he said. - Everything will be OK. Honestly! Relax, everyone has bad days."
I continued my tirade: “It's easy for you to talk! You didn't ruin everything you touched today, unlike me. I don't think I'm going to be good at anything. Will you help me?" He enthusiastically continued, “No, really. I am not kidding! Everything will be alright. Have a rest". We talked for a few more minutes. Then he returned to the truck, said something to his wife and waved at me in the mirror, as if to say: “Remember. Calm down. Everything will be fine". And left.
Now I'm not proud of this story. To be honest, the guy in the pickup wasn't the only irrational person on the road that day. But here's what I'm getting at. That big guy could have blown my lungs out. And, perhaps, I would have done this if I tried to reason with him or argue with him. But I met him in his reality where I was a bad person and he had every reason to hit me. Instinctively using a technique I call aggressive submission(See Chapter 8), I turned him from enemy to ally in less than a minute.
Fortunately, my reaction was natural, even on that really bad day. This happened because I put myself in the place of crazy people during many years of my work as a psychiatrist. I've done it a thousand times different ways and I understood that it works.
Moreover, I know it will work for you too. The psycho mask is a strategy you can use with any irrational person. For example, to talk:
With a partner who yells at you or refuses to talk to you;
With a child screaming "I hate you!" or "I hate myself!";
With an aging parent who thinks you don't give a damn;
With an employee who is constantly limp at work;
With a manager who is always trying to hurt you.
It doesn't matter what type of everyday psycho you are dealing with - the ability to become crazy yourself will allow you to get rid of failed communication strategies and reach people. As a result, you will be able to engage in almost any emotional situation and feel confident and in control.
The cycle of prudence instead of the politics of "fight or flight"
Keep in mind that you will have to consciously get used to the role of a psycho, because your body will not want you to behave in this way. When you communicate with an irrational person, the body sends you signals, warning you of danger. Somehow pay attention to this and see for yourself: the throat contracts, the pulse accelerates, your stomach or head starts to hurt. For such a physiological reaction, sometimes it is enough just to name the name of an unpleasant acquaintance.
This is your reptilian brain (see chapter 2) telling you to attack or run. But, if an irrational person is part of your personal or professional life, none of the instinctive reactions will help solve the problem.
I am going to teach you how to deal with insanity in a completely different way using a six step process. I call it the "prudence cycle" (Figure 1.1).
Rice. 1.1. The cycle of prudence
Here's what you need to do at each stage of this cycle.
1. Understand that the person you are facing is incapable of rational thought in this situation. Realize that the deep roots of his irrationality lie rather in the distant (or not very distant) past, and not in the current moment, so now you are unlikely to be able to argue or convince him.
2. Determine modus operandi another person - a unique set of actions that he resorts to, being out of his mind. His strategy is to throw you off balance, to make you angry, afraid, frustrated or guilty. When you understand the course of action, you will feel more calm, focused and in control of the situation and will be able to choose the appropriate counter-strategy.
3. Realize that crazy behavior is not about you. But it says a lot about the person you're dealing with. By ceasing to take his words personally, you will deprive the enemy of an important weapon. However, use the right psychological tools during the conversation, they will keep you from falling into insanity. These tools will allow you to avoid "amygdala hijack" - an intense emotional reaction to a sudden threat. This term, coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman, describes a condition where the amygdala, the fear-producing part of your brain, blocks rational thinking.
4. Talk to an irrational person, plunging into the world of his madness, calmly and objectively. First, take for granted the innocence of the person. This means that you must believe that the person is actually kind and that there is a reason for their behavior. Try not to judge, but to understand what caused this. Secondly, imagine that you are experiencing the same emotions: aggression, misunderstanding, threat.
5. Show that you are an ally, not an enemy: listen calmly and carefully to the person while he blows off steam. Instead of interrupting, let him speak. This way you will surprise the person who is waiting for a retaliatory attack, and get close to him. You can even apologize. And the more carefully and sensitively you reflect the emotions of your opponent, the sooner he will begin to listen to you.
6. When the person calms down, help him move on to more reasonable actions.
These steps are the basis of most psychological techniques, which I will teach you (although variations are possible: for example, when dealing with bullies, manipulators or psychopaths).
However, keep in mind that going through the prudence cycle with an irrational person is not always easy or fun, and this technique does not always work instantly. And, as with everything in our life, there is a risk that it will not work at all (and there is even the possibility that the situation will worsen). But, if you're desperately trying to get through to someone who's difficult or impossible to control, this method is probably the best choice.
But before I get into my methods of dealing with psychos, I'd like to talk a little about why people act irrationally. We'll look first at what's going on in their brains at the moment, and then at what's happened to them in the past.
Recognizing the Mechanism of Madness
To successfully talk to psychos, you need to understand why irrational people behave the way they do. And the first step in this direction is to admit that they are much more like psychos than you thought.
Take a moment to think about people who are mentally ill—who have schizophrenia or delusional depression. Do you understand that talking will not help solve the problems of these patients? It would never occur to you to say to them: “Hey, you understand that you are not really the Antichrist?” or "Your life isn't that bad, so take the gun out of your mouth and go mow the lawn."
However, I think that this is how you communicate with everyday psychos. For some reason it seems to you that you can easily reason with them. For example, you probably use such phrases.
"Calm down - you're overreacting."
"That doesn't make any sense."
“You can't really believe this. Here are the facts."
“Come back to earth, this is complete nonsense!”
“Wait a minute…how did you even think of that?”
I'm sure you've come across the popular definition of a madman: a person who repeats the same actions over and over again, while expecting a new result. Well, if you're constantly talking to psychos in the way I described above, not getting the response you expect, but hoping for it, know that you're also out of your mind.
Why, you ask? Because everyday madness, like real psychosis, is not treated with ordinary conversations. It does not operate with facts or logic. The psycho, despite your attempts to convince him, is still unable to suddenly change his behavior. The madmen don't refuse to change it, they can't. Most people who behave irrationally can hardly be called sick, but, like real psychopaths, they are not able to think prudently. This is because the cause of such behavior is a mismatch in the brain (more precisely, in the three structures of the brain), and a mismatched brain cannot respond normally to the arguments of the mind.
Scientific Foundations insanity
In order to understand psychos, you need to know at least the general outline of how insanity develops. Now I will talk a little about the work of consciousness and how we go crazy.
First, three parts of the brain are necessary for thinking. These three structures are interconnected, but often operate independently. Sometimes they are at enmity with each other. Under the influence of stress, they sometimes lose touch. If the stress is too high, the communication between parts of the brain always stops. And often the rewiring occurs in such a way that irrational people are trapped in insanity.
Neuroscientist Paul McLean, who first described the triune, or tripartite, model of the brain back in the 1960s, spoke about it in more detail in his 1990 book The Triune Brain in Evolution. Here short description each structure and its functionality.
First, the basic, ancient brain (sometimes called the reptilian brain). It focuses on what is necessary for survival: finding food, mating, running away from danger, attacking.
The next part is the midbrain, the limbic system. It is found in all mammals and is responsible for emotions: joy, hatred, the desire to protect, sadness, pleasure. And also for the formation of a connection between you and a partner or, for example, a child.
The last layer is the neocortex, the cortex hemispheres brain responsible for higher nervous activity. Being the most developed structure of the three, it allows you to make optimal decisions, plan actions and control impulses. Most importantly, it is thanks to the neocortex that you evaluate the situation objectively, and not subjectively.
These different parts of the brain evolved sequentially, which is why they are arranged in layers, one on top of the other.
When you are born, all three parts of the brain are already in your body. If you're lucky, over time, healthy bonds form between them that allow you to coordinate survival instincts, emotions, and logical thought processes. In this case, each of the three structures can take control of what is happening at the right time, but at the same time, the most evolutionarily developed neocortex will manage all the processes. I call it triune flexibility. If you have it, you are able to approach the situation from one side, and when new circumstances are discovered, consider another option and successfully cope with some task in the new reality.
With triune flexibility, you can easily adapt to circumstances and gain the ability to cope even with major setbacks and real tragedies. Sometimes you still lose your head when the disorder causes a temporary desynchronization of three parts of the brain, but quickly bounce back.
What happens if early life experiences lead to a less healthy interconnection of parts of the brain? If your parents harshly criticized you as an adult, you will begin to think something like this: "It's not safe to say what you think." If this happens often, then you will believe that the world is an unsettling place, and you will be afraid and pinched not only when communicating with a critic, but also with other people.
Then your three parts of the brain become blocked and unite only in such a way as if you constantly see your parent in front of you, hear criticism of yourself and think that it is not safe to give the wrong answer. And if, for example, a school teacher asks you a question, you remain silent or answer: "I don't know." Your brain gets trapped triune rigidity, so in any situation that reminds you of a critical parent, your feelings, thoughts and actions will slide into one repeating scenario. In psychology this is called transfer, or transfer because you are transferring thoughts and feelings about a person who is not around to someone with whom you are interacting here and now.
In triune rigidity, your three brains are united in a reality far from the one in which you currently exist. You begin to misuse old techniques in conditions in which they do not make sense, and become unable to correct your behavior in the future. Result? Chronic crazy behavior: you repeat the same actions over and over again and expect that the new reality will still turn into the old one, where such behavior brought success.
Three paths to madness (and one path to sanity)
Since insanity is preceded by an imbalance in the functioning of certain areas of the brain, then you need to work with this state not from the outside - trying to reason with an irrational person with facts - but from the inside. To do this, it is worth understanding how the main forms of insanity are laid down in our behavior already in early years life.
First, there are innate factors. For example, if a person has inherited genes that cause a tendency to increased anxiety, pessimism, excessive emotionality, then his path to insanity will be somewhat shorter than in other cases.
Secondly - and this is no less important factor - childhood impressions and experiences seriously affect the state of the psyche in subsequent years. Now I will give some examples.
Life is a constant movement towards the unknown. Taking the next step into the unknown, we are faced with problems, in connection with which we feel either joyful excitement, or anxiety, and sometimes both at once. Sometimes we feel that we have become too far removed from our familiar and safe environment, as a result of which we develop separation anxiety.
Over time, we learn to overcome such anxiety - and we are faced with a new type of anxiety, which is called individualization anxiety: childhood leaves, and we begin to worry about whether we will be able to successfully overcome adulthood and become successful in life. adulthood. This is a normal stage of psychological development.
During this period of development, we are especially sensitive to the behavior of people close to us. Taking a successful step forward, we always look back and wait for extremely important words like “well done, you are doing it!”. And if we encounter an obstacle, we wait for confirmation from loved ones that there is nothing to worry about and it is quite normal to step back and try again. Development is always realized as a series of trials and errors: a couple of steps forward, then a small step back. This process is schematically shown in Fig. 2.1.
Rice. 2.1. Personal development
But what if at a difficult moment we do not receive the necessary support? In the face of the unknown, we lose confidence, succeed less often, and more often make mistakes. It turns out that after every couple of steps forward, we already take three steps back. By assimilating such a pattern of behavior, a person loses the ability to develop and adapt, closes within the inert trinity of the main areas of the brain, and as a result becomes, to one degree or another, a psycho.
There are three erroneous paths leading to insanity, and one way to keep your sanity. Let's discuss each of them.
Mistake #1: being spoiled
Have you had to deal with people who constantly complain about something, try to manipulate or wait for a standing ovation for any reason? There is a possibility that they are already on the path to insanity.
Spoiledness is formed in different ways. Sometimes it comes from the fact that parents or guardians rush to comfort the child whenever he is upset. It happens that adults praise children too much or justify even the most ugly behavior. Such adults do not understand that pampering is not the same as showing love and care. A child accustomed to such treatment is doomed to experience a nervous breakdown whenever those around him do not show sufficient enthusiasm for him.
Those who were overspoiled as children develop a peculiar form of insanity, when a person in any situation easily convinces himself: "Someone will do everything for me." Such people believe that they will be successful and happy without any effort. They often develop unhealthy addictive behavior, because the main goal is to fight a bad mood, and not to find a constructive solution to emerging problems.
Have you ever dealt with people who, for any reason, get angry and blame others? It is quite possible that, looking for early age support, in response they received only criticism. They were in pain; the pain quickly turned into anger.
Mistake #2: Criticism
Children who are constantly scolded and criticized, teenagers try to take revenge by doing things that adults around them become ashamed of. Often, these young people resort to more sophisticated ways to vent their anger: aggressively suppressing others, driving recklessly, cutting themselves or getting addicted to piercings.
What happens when such a person is faced with a problem? He feels like a victim, but since the most familiar pattern of behavior involves only blaming and criticizing, he begins to do just that, losing his ability to forgive over time and becoming more and more embittered.
Because these children were scolded endlessly as children, their craziness takes on the following form over the years: “No matter what I do, I will never be worthy of approval.” And even when they manage to succeed, they do not allow themselves to enjoy the moment and wait for the inevitable return to the usual cycle. It's obvious that the world makes them more resentful and resentful.
Mistake #3: Ignoring
When a person rejects any idea, because he is sure that nothing will come of it, it can be safely assumed that in childhood the adults around him mostly ignored him and, perhaps, were prone to narcissism. It is also possible that they were simply terribly exhausted, overwhelmed with worries, or even sick. This happens to adoptive parents if they are not particularly interested in the child at heart.
Here the child has won another victory and looks back at the adults to share the triumph with them - but sees that they did not notice anything at all. Or the child has failed and is waiting for support - and adults are busy with their own affairs or problems. The child becomes scared, and, what is especially bad, he begins to realize that he is left alone with his fear. So a person becomes a pessimist, prepared in advance for defeat and convinced that nothing worthwhile will ever come of any idea. Trying new things becomes more and more difficult, because you can make a mistake and again find yourself alone with the fear, the fight against which he lost as a child.
The form of madness of such people is: "I will neither try nor risk."
Ideal Scenario: Support
Think of the most reasonable and balanced people you know, whom you could call wise, kind, pleasant, stable, possessing emotional intelligence. From my experience, I conclude that emotional stability was formed in such people in their childhood.
Rice. 2.2. Personality formation
They were lucky: every time after a victory or defeat, one of the adults: parents, teachers, mentors - provided the necessary support. These people were neither spoiled nor overwhelmed by criticism and did not suffer from a lack of attention. Adults taught, directed, helped. At the same time, adults are not required to be perfect in everything - otherwise there would be no number of children who grew up in balanced and wise adults. But adults must provide the child with what I call an adequate level of care.
Surrounded by such adults, children grow up confident. Faced with difficulties, such a person says to himself: “I can handle it.” And all because even as a child he always had the support of loving adults - and it was imprinted in the subconscious. Having failed, these people do not complain, do not blame anyone, and do not withdraw into themselves. They maintain a fighting spirit, acting on the principle: "Hold on, world, I'm coming!"
Sometimes they behave like psychos - it happens to all of us. But for them, madness is only a temporary state.
(By the way, even if your parents did not support you enough as a child, there is hope. A good coach or teacher will help you find a healthy attitude now - this is exactly what happened to me. So if you were scolded, spoiled or ignored a lot as a child, look for people able to give you the support you need now.)
Temporary and chronic insanity
As I said, no one manages to live life without temporary turbidity. When severe stress renders Negative influence on the brain, any of us - even the most stable and strong in spirit - temporarily loses control over ourselves.
In this book, I offer methods to help you deal with short-term insanity. But my main focus is still on how to interact with complete psychos. Such people differ according to the type of irrational behavior: we call them hysterics, manipulators, know-it-alls, aggressors, icebergs, assholes, victims, martyrs, whiners, etc. It is about them that we will now talk in more detail.
Albert Einstein once said: “The most important decision for each of us is whether to consider the world around us dangerous or safe.” Unfortunately, chronically irrational people make the wrong decision about this at some point. Those of us whose three levels of the brain remain in constant healthy interaction, maintaining flexibility and stability, move forward with confidence. Those who are not able to overcome the rigidity of the main areas of the brain do not perceive the world as without dangerous place. They constantly feel threatened, which is why they begin to behave more and more senselessly. They lock in either self-preservation (“I am in danger and must do everything to survive”) or maintaining their own identity (“I am, and only by maintaining my current identity do I feel confident, competent, able to manage the situation”) . These people seem to live in a holographic projection created by themselves on the basis of past experience and depicting a fictional world. They do not see the new reality. And therein lies a serious danger.
When Dina's mother, Lucia, turned 80, she could no longer live alone. Dina invited her mother to move in with her. What's more, Dina and her husband Jack took out a home loan to pay for the additions and renovations to Lucia's rooms, which she moved into. Both Dina and Jack try very hard to make Lucia feel good. And what are the results? According to Dina, "it's a real hell." Lucia starts and ends the day with the same words: “You are a terrible daughter, otherwise you would not have forced me to live in the same house with this man. You don't care about me. You want my death". Once Lucia even said to Jack: "You would dream of getting rid of me, but do not hope: you will die before me."
Obviously, Lucia's behavior is contrary to common sense. She is lucky that her family is still ready to take care of her, but if she continues to attack Dina and spoil her relationship with Jack, she will soon end up in a nursing home. Why is Lucia acting so strange? Because the three areas of her brain are not synchronized and she is not able to think rationally.
Lucia grew up in a poor and aggressive family. The only salvation for her was the earliest possible marriage. When she and her husband decided to move to America, they were sheltered by her uncle - and after a couple of months he changed his mind and put them on the street. Lucia ended up with her husband in a foreign country, not knowing the language, and even in her fifth month of pregnancy.
Lucia's husband went to wash dishes in a cafe and gradually became the manager of the restaurant. At some point, he began to drink and died quite early; Lucia had to raise three children alone.
Due to the specific childhood experience, Lucia did not develop a strong character: she only learned to treat everything with suspicion and be afraid of everything. Lucia lives in constant fear: the reptilian brain dominates and blocks the signals of the emotional and logical areas of the brain. Accustomed to seeing the world as a dangerous place, she always expects people to either cheat or leave her, so she is completely focused on self-preservation.
Lucia is convinced that Dina is the key to her survival. And all the others that Dina cares about, including Jack, are Lucia's competitors, posing a threat. From her point of view, Jack distracts Dina's attention and deprives Lucia of child care. Worse, she is afraid that Jack will persuade Dina to leave her mother altogether. (And he can actually do it if Lucia doesn't stop her awful behavior.)
So Lucia lashes out at both Dinah and Jack endlessly because of her own irrational fears. And no logical reasoning will help here: due to an imbalance between the three brain structures, Lucia does not see and is not aware of reality.
Lucia is in a difficult situation, and there is a possibility that things will only get worse with time. The fact is that the longer a person remains captive to old and irrelevant thought patterns, the more he resists objective facts and logic.
It seems that in a chronically irrational person, the brain behaves like a compass, always pointing to magnetic pole. And if life pushes such a person to the east, west or south, he resists with all his might and does not want to know anything but the north direction - as if if he moves even a single step, he will lose control of own life or even die.
We understand that this is just resistance to change, but such people consider such behavior to be perseverance, worthy of praise. They stubbornly cling to previous knowledge and beliefs, regardless of their relevance. As a result, all the forces are spent on maintaining the usual comfort zone. And than more brain conflicts with the changing reality, the more fiercely the person himself clings to the usual picture of the world and the more inadequately behaves. The stronger the imbalance in the work of the three levels of the brain, the sooner a person loses touch with reality. Anxiety quickly develops into panic, and then the person comes to complete despair.
Obviously, in a state of panic, these people perceive reality in a completely different way from the way you see it, which is why it makes no sense to talk to them the way you would talk to a rational interlocutor. In your world, two and two is exactly four, but in their special world, it might be six. We observe a similar picture in periods of temporary insanity, but in a chronically irrational person, such behavior dominates.
This is why you fail to help an irrational person get back in touch with reality through logical reasoning. Therefore, you will have to master the laws of the world, designed by a crazy brain, and be ready to defend your position in a world where two times two is six.
It's time to figure out exactly what type of madness you're dealing with. For this you need to understand modus operandi(mode of action) of a person.
How to determine the mode of action of an irrational person
Each killer has a certain modus operandi(M.O.). Let's say one uses a knife, another prefers a bomb, a third prefers a bullet.
In approximately the same way, an individual type of madness is formed in all irrational personalities. Thanks to this, they manage to get what they want from you without giving anything in return.
In chapter 2, I talked about Lucia, who, in a sense, took her entire family hostage. M. O. Lucia is based on unpredictability and aggression. Other psychos find their ways: crying, withdrawing into themselves, sarcastic, not showing any emotions or complaining endlessly. Why do they behave like this? To maintain control over the situation, which they are afraid of losing. So they subconsciously seek to take control away from you and find ways to get you to react immediately and spontaneously to their behavior. And this happens when the amygdala, located in the middle, emotional region of the brain, reacts spontaneously and blocks the work of the prefrontal cortex - the part of the brain located in the frontal lobe that is responsible for logic and rational thinking - and activates your reptile brain, which controls the reaction " fight or run."
If this tactic is successful, emotions overwhelm you, and it becomes difficult to think logically. In the end, you either break down or look for ways to avoid further communication, losing the opportunity to get a rational view of the situation from your interlocutor.
The M.O. of an irrational person is his weapon. But at the same time, this is also the weakest point, because, having figured out what the essence of his M.O. is, you can profitably use this information. The behavior of a person who is stuck in a certain M.O. is predictable, and you always know what kind of reaction to prepare for on his part, whether it be tears, hysteria, silence, aggression. And when you are ready, it is much easier for you to control your own emotions.
From individuality to M.O.
The way of thinking of irrational people is a projection into the external world of their individuality, that is, how they perceive themselves, as well as the attitude towards the world as a whole that has developed on the basis of the earliest impressions. For example…
People who have been over-indulged often become emotionally dependent or seek to manipulate others; they often show an extremely emotional reaction whenever they have to do something that they do not want to do.
Those who are constantly scolded and criticized become aggressive or know-it-alls; they may be overly strict in following a certain logic or focusing solely on practical details.
End of introductory segment.
Mark Goulston
How to talk to motherfuckers. What to do with inadequate and unbearable people in your life
Dedicated to the blessed memory of Warren Bennis See, for example, the publication in Russian: Bennis W., Thomas R. How Leaders Become. M.: Williams, 2006. Note. ed.], who, five minutes after meeting me, made it clear that he would never hurt me. I admire this quality and try to adopt it.
Basic principles of dealing with psychos
To reach out to irrational people, you need to know why they behave the way they do.
In addition, you need to understand why reasoned discussion and logical reasoning do not work, as opposed to empathy and immersion in the problem.
We understand crazy people
Having worked as a psychiatrist for decades, I can say that I understand madmen, including deeply ill people. What I mean? For example, one of my patients stalked Britney Spears and another jumped off the fifth floor because he believed he could fly. Another called me one day from a prison in the Dominican Republic and told me that he was there, going to start a revolution. In addition, I have worked with anorexics who weigh less than 40 kilograms, heroin addicts, and schizophrenic patients who experience hallucinations. I taught negotiators how to force the surrender of murder-obsessed terrorists who took hostages. Now I show directors and top managers of companies how to deal with people who threaten the business. Simply put, we have long switched to “you” with the abnormal.
But recently, an interesting thought came to me: I expect to meet a psycho every day, because this is my job. However, I suddenly realized how often you have to deal with crazy people - not jumping off balconies or bullying Britney Spears, but what I call everyday psychos.
The epiphany hit me when I went to a meeting of real estate developers and their lawyers who needed advice on helping families in a crisis. I expected a boring meeting, but their stories fascinated me. I found that these people "talk to crazy people" on a daily basis - just like me! Nearly every situation discussed has involved clients acting completely insane. These lawyers had no problem drafting a will or setting up a trust fund. But they didn't know what to do if the client was turning into a psycho - and they desperately wanted to know.
That's when it dawned on me that everyone, including you, is facing this problem. I'm willing to bet that almost every day you encounter at least one irrational person. For example, this is a boss demanding the impossible. A picky parent, an aggressive teenager, a manipulative co-worker or yelling neighbor, a sobbing love interest, or a petulant client with unfounded claims.
That's what this book is about: how you talk to psychos. Speaking of the word "psycho": I understand that it sounds provocative and politically incorrect. But when I use it, I don't mean mentally ill people (although mental disorders certainly provoke crazy behavior - see part 5). Also, I do not use the word "crazy" to stigmatize a particular group of people. Because any of us at some point is capable of acting like a madman. When I say "crazy" or "madman" I mean that the person is behaving irrationally. There are four signs that the people you are dealing with are irrational:
1) they do not have a clear picture of the world;
2) they say or do things that don't make sense;
3) they make decisions or take actions not in their own interests;
4) when you try to get them back on the path of sanity, they become completely unbearable.
In this book, I will share my best practices for reaching out to irrational people. I have used these methods to reconcile feuding colleagues and save marriages, and you too can use them to control the inadequacy of those around you.
Key: become a psycho yourself
The tools I'm going to talk about require courage to use. Because you won't just ignore the psychos and wait for them to leave. You will not argue with them or try to convince them. Instead, you will have to feel crazy and start behaving the same way.
Years ago, someone told me what to do when a dog grabbed your arm. If you trust your instincts and withdraw your hand, the dog will sink its teeth even deeper. But if you use a non-obvious solution and push your hand deeper into the throat, the dog will loosen his grip. Why? Because the dog will want to swallow, for which he needs to relax his jaw. This is where you put your hand out.
Similarly, you can interact with irrational people. If you treat them as if they are crazy and you are not, they will only go deeper into crazy thoughts. But if you yourself begin to behave like a psycho, this will dramatically change the situation. Here is an example.
...After one of the most disgusting days of my life, on the way home, I concentrated on the troubles that had fallen on me and drove the car on autopilot. Unfortunately for me, this was all happening during California's extremely dangerous rush hour. At some point, I accidentally cut off a pickup truck in which a big man and his wife were sitting. He honked angrily, and I waved my hand to show my apologies. But then - just a couple of kilometers later - I cut it again.
Then the man caught up with me and abruptly stopped the truck in front of my car, forcing me to pull over to the side of the road. As I braked, I saw his wife gesticulating frantically, asking him not to get out of the car.
Of course, he did not pay attention to her and after a few moments he was already on the road - under two meters tall and weighing 140 kilograms. He abruptly approached me and began banging on the glass, shouting curses.
I was so stunned that I even rolled down the window to hear him. Then I waited for him to pause so that he could pour even more bile on me. And when he paused to catch his breath, I said to him: “Have you ever had such a terrible day that you just hoped that someone would pull out a gun, shoot you and put an end to all the suffering? Is that someone you?
His jaw dropped. "What?" - he asked.
Up to this point, I've been acting very stupid. But suddenly I did something brilliant. In some incredible way, despite my clouded mind, I said exactly what was needed.
I did not try to negotiate with this intimidating man - most likely, instead of answering, he would have pulled me out of the car and hit me in the face with his huge fist. I didn't try to resist. I just became as crazy and hit him with his own weapon.
He stared at me and I spoke again, “Yes, I'm serious. I don't usually cut people and have never cut someone twice before. It's just that today is the kind of day where it doesn't matter what I do or who I meet - including you! - everything goes wrong. Will you become the person who will graciously end my existence?”
He immediately changed, calmed down and began to cheer me up: “Hey. What are you, boy, he said. - Everything will be OK. Honestly! Relax, everyone has bad days."
I continued my tirade: “It's easy for you to talk! You didn't ruin everything you touched today, unlike me. I don't think I'm going to be good at anything. Will you help me?" He enthusiastically continued, “No, really. I am not kidding! Everything will be alright. Have a rest". We talked for a few more minutes. Then he returned to the truck, said something to his wife and waved at me in the mirror, as if to say: “Remember. Calm down. Everything will be fine". And left.
Now I'm not proud of this story. To be honest, the guy in the pickup wasn't the only irrational person on the road that day. But here's what I'm getting at. That big guy could have blown my lungs out. And, perhaps, I would have done this if I tried to reason with him or argue with him. But I met him in his reality, where I was a bad person and he had every reason to hit me. Instinctively using a technique I call aggressive submission(See Chapter 8), I turned him from enemy to ally in less than a minute.
Fortunately, my reaction was natural, even on that really bad day. This happened because I put myself in the place of crazy people during many years of my work as a psychiatrist. I've done it thousands of times, in many ways, and I've found it works.
Moreover, I know it will work for you too. The psycho mask is a strategy that you can use with any irrational person. For example, to talk:
With a partner who yells at you or refuses to talk to you;
With a child screaming "I hate you!" or "I hate myself!";
With an aging parent who thinks you don't give a damn;
With an employee who is constantly limp at work;
